The Adventures of Claudia
by McGeesJabberwock
Summary: A series of short stories about Claudia, formerly of the Caribou Kitchen, trying to find meaning in her life while living in a world of troubled toons. Why is Marlon of the Avenger Penguins a mixologist? Does Swiper the fox regret his past actions?
1. Old Friends

Okay, first of all, this is linked to me and Chris Gammon's Otherworld series, the first of which you can read in this category (Courage's Adventures in Wonderlands). Second, this will involve many cartoons, but the main ones here are Caribou Kitchen, Avenger Penguins, Dora the Explorer and the Dreamstone. Some of these are pretty obscure, but hopefully you can understand this story without having watched them first.

* * *

Oh, hello. I see you decided to drop in. Come for a little visit, have you? If you knew you were coming...I'd have buggered off so you couldn't find me.

I know why you've come. Come to hear my history, haven't you? Maybe it's to feel better about your own life. Maybe it's because you're a sadist. I can tell you're a sadist. You just seem to have that _vibe_ about you.

I suppose I should be flattered that you want to know more about me, but I bet you'll be bored within ten minutes of it. I know what you people are like. You'll glance over my story for a bit, leave it then forget about it completely when watching a Youtube video about funny cats or something like that.

No, you don't forget. Maybe nostalgia was what led you here. Me and my buddies are nostalgia. We're part of your childhood. After school, you rushed home, switched on the telly and watched us while bouncing up and down grinning. Kids are like that. Ah, there were so many kids at the Caribou Kitchen...you remember that show, don't you?

Part of me hopes you don't.

Oh, enough of my jabbering, you came here for my story, that's what you'll get. Actually, you'll get quite a few stories, concerning my many adventures. Enjoy, or not.

**Old Friends**

As Claudia pulled the cigarette from her muzzle, her ears caught the sound of sirens. This sound used to unnerve her, being a reminder of the state things were in and a possible fate, but now, as they were coupled with the splatter of raindrops, they seemed an oddly beautiful melody to highlight her recent love-making. She had just fucked, and fucking was the most beautiful thing in the world. The creation of life in times when it tended to end so quickly. The fact she had done it with someone she barely knew did nothing to diminish it. Though she just did it with him because he bought her a drink, which was more than most would have done for her, and because it was her birthday.

"Well," said the furry creature in her bed, putting on his boxers, "Happy Birthday."

"Yes," said Claudia, "I'll give you a six out of ten. You did what you were supposed to do, and helped me forget my headache."

Slipping his trousers over his legs, he turned to her with a smile. "Well, see ya later."

"Wait," said Claudia, still in her nightie.

"What?"

"Well, the night is still young. Why don't you stay a while? I mean, we did just have sex..."

"I didn't know you wanted more than that."

"Well.." Claudia looked in the direction of a stack of charity shop VHSs. "How about a movie?"

"Got enough at home."

"Well...oh, go on. Go do what you want." So, after getting dressed again, the guy left, and perhaps it was a good thing. The fucking was alright, but Claudia had to admit his voice was pretty grating to listen to. Still, she really had to do someone on her birthday, and if it wasn't him, who would it be? Marlon? It would be impossible. Larry? Hell no. Abe? He wouldn't want to. A human? God, no. And not just because it'd be illegal. That guy, even if his name did escape her at the moment, he was probably the best choice.

As she sat at the foot of her bed, she thought back to earlier that day. When she, trying to get into the birthday spirit, jaunted on down to her favourite haunt. After enduring the variety of odours and the drive-by mockings, she reached the spot: a pub that went by no real name, and yet, despite being shadowed by some sinister towers, seemed distinguished. This pub was intended for her kind only, fellow anthropomorphic creatures. A haven from humanity. There was something about humans that Claudia couldn't stand, they seemed so inferior, and unnecessary.

In she had gone, while Marlon, the mixologist penguin, was telling his stories again, and the barflies were all listening eagerly. "So me and the boys were still in Doom's lair," Claudia heard Marlon say in his American accent, "and it seemed like there was no way out, but thanks to my quick thinking..." Quick thinking. That phrase there was proof what he was saying was bullshit. The barflies probably knew it was bullshit too, and that's what gave it its appeal. For once, Claudia felt she was among equals.

"Hi, Marlon," said Claudia coming in, breaking the penguin out of his fantasy.

"Oh, hey," said Marlon, in a friendly voice despite looking a trifle ticked at being interrupted, "It's your birthday today, isn't it?" Claudia nodded. "Here, have one on the house." With that, Marlon poured Claudia a pint of her favourite lager and handed it in her direction. Seeing the drink waiting before her, Claudia sensed a smidgen of disappointment, as she swore she had more extravagant birthdays, but a free anything is good enough. She drank it slowly, just to savour it, to make it more of a 'birthday beer'. This mindset just brought more disappointment, as the slight amount being spilled almost felt like losing quantities of precious fuel. The reason the beers were being spilled? Larry giving her the beats.

"1...2...3..."

"Oh, cut it out, you don't even know how old I am."

Larry put his finger on his chin. "You're right, I don't."

"Then give me the birthday present of buggering off, please."

"Aw, you shouldn't be sad on your birthday."

"On my birthday, I can do what I bloody well feel like. If I want to be sad, I can be sad."

"Can't argue with that logic."

"True."

So Larry did leave Claudia, his tiny doggy mind distracted by something else. That Larry. While he resembled an anthropomorphic sausage dog, he was clearly a human, with all the traits humans usually had. He had that sense of false grandeur humans usually had to compensate for their lack of real abilities, not to mention the fact he was a just plain nitwit, just there to make the patrons feel better about themselves.

Claudia walked away towards a table in a corner, just to be by herself. Like she said, she could do what she felt like, and drinking her special beer by herself was what she felt like doing. Who needed stimulating conversations or wild stories when you had your own thoughts? Instead of listening to Marlon's story, she would imagine her own ending. Maybe 'Doom' would drink a formula that would give him super powers and Marlon'd have to fight that? No, too much.

Guzzling the last of her birthday beer, Claudia noticed the guy sitting beside her, which was a tiny surprise. People didn't really bother to bother her, as it was probably too much bother. Though what really dragged her from her private thoughts was the question the guy asked her:

"Hey, didn't you own some sort of caff once?"

The answer was yes, yes she did. The Caribou Kitchen. She was surprised someone still remembered it.

"Yeah."

"Whatever happened to that?"

Claudia turned silent, her response being to finish her drink.

"Well."

"Oh, you know, it started out good, bigger and better restaurants were built, everybody stopped giving a shit, went out of business." Taking a deep breath, she played with her glass for a while, then stared at the guy again. "Last I heard they were going to make it into a charity shop, but they never got round to it."

"Yeah, people're like that, what ya gonna do?"

"I really liked running that place...well, it did get a bit hectic at times."

"I think my brother went there once. He said the food was good."

"Ah, thanks, I suppose." Another fiddle with her empty glass before changing the subject. "It's my birthday."

"Oh, happy birthday. Mind if I buy you a drink?"

"Knock yourself out."

So next thing Claudia knew, they were buying each other drinks, and though they weren't really drunk, they went back to Claudia's flat to fuck and fuck and fuck. She couldn't remember half of their conversation, she couldn't remember his name, yet they still fucked. Then he left. Considering the stench he left behind, that was probably a good thing.

Yet she still remembered him bringing up the Caribou Kitchen. That one element in the conversation rang through her head. Why? Maybe because this had been the first time in years that the place had been mentioned by someone other than her and Abe, and at times, Claudia had the thought that her memories of it were delusions and Abe was just playing along. Its existence confirmed, she couldn't help but think back to it.

Memories of that place were pretty much a mixed bag. While at times, she found herself trying to crawl away from the past, sometimes the past was all she had. The Caribou Kitchen, during its early days, was a reward. Obtaining it from her gains was a reassurance that gruelling work has its advantages. Running a restaurant had been a childhood fantasy, and how often do those come true? It wasn't too shabby a place either; not when Kevin the Chameleon was there to spruce it up.

Whatever happened to Kevin? Oh right, he went to jail after his wife discovered his 'secret stash'.

Aside from Kevin's occaisonal aid, Claudia had other helpers there too. She couldn't afford much in terms of staff, but those she had...they were the best staff she could ask for. Abe...Tom...Lisa...

That moment was probably the first time in years Claudia had ever thought of Lisa, and she even felt a little ashamed about it, but Lisa probably didn't think of her much either. Still, Claudia decided to have a long period of thinking about Lisa, to make up for so much time not thinking about her. So what could be said, or thought, about that lemur then? She had come to apply to the Caribou Kitchen during its early days, mainly to help pay off her student loans, and since only she and Tom had applied, they were the waiters. In retrospect, Claudia should have seen that as something of an omen, but the place still managed with just the two of them. Tom was a nice old chap, but Lisa always brought a bright energy to the surroundings. Her orders were quick and easy, and she always helped to maintain the optimistic atmosphere the patrons so adored.

Then she left.

She left shortly before Tom...left. Wanted something more fulfilling. After that, Claudia never really saw Lisa again. Or did she? The present Claudia rummaged within the crevices of her recollections and did find one time she had seen Lisa; when Lisa was getting married and Claudia was invited to the wedding. It was about the time she had first moved in to this apartment...

In an instant, Claudia found herself back in the present, with the whiffs of bubbling pots eroding into the reek of secrete. Once again the patches on the walls lay before her eyes and the rain splattering against the window almost deafened her. She hated the sound of the rain, and the stench of her bedroom, so she tried to return to the past, by thinking about the church. Yes, the church where she last saw Lisa. The tall stone walls, the sunlight illuminating the saints in the windows. How beautiful. How oppressive.

Something about being in that church made Claudia feel so out of place, or maybe it was the church that was out of place, who knows? It was just odd being in a pew, watching Lisa, now all dolled up like a Disney princess, standing before an altar next to someone Claudia knew nothing about. This being after she was hard up for money, it was hard to smile, but she forced one. She probably wouldn't forgive herself if she wasn't happy on the happiest day of her friend's life.

After the 'I do's' and during the reception, Claudia stared at Lisa and...and...what the hell was his name again? Oh, it'll come back. Anyway, Claudia stared at Lisa and felt like she should talk to her, but something held her back, so she just stood there by the refreshments, watching the happy couple. She remembered being disturbed by the groom...his name was Lyle, wasn't it? Yes, that's it. Anyway, Claudia couldn't help but think he looked like he was Lisa's brother, and maybe that's what was keeping her away.

That was the last time Claudia had seen Lisa. Slowly leaving the mighty church to rejoin the small, filthy flat, Claudia began to wonder if she should try to find Lisa and pay her a visit. She had paid Abe several visits and even given Tom a few, but never visited Lisa. Though it was probably just as well, Claudia and the Caribou Kitchen were a part of Lisa's life she had moved on from. Still, it would be nice to give her a visit. A little birthday treat Claudia would give herself. Or would Lisa not like that?

Decisions, decisions. Dwelling on things like that would keep her up all night, but that was a good thing. She had had some weird dreams as of recently, and didn't really want to revisit them. There was still some energy in her too, so she looked for further ways to kill the time, and thus turned towards her VHSs. A little entertainment, that she would like to share with someone, but would be content enjoying on her own. A nice little comedy to lighten her spirits and to help her laugh at the world. Father Ted. That Father Jack is a hoot. So the VHS was plopped into the TV and all Claudia had to do was sit back and enjoy what lay before her.

She should visit Abe and Lisa and they should have a nice day out. That thought just suddenly appeared. While putting thoughts of those two aside for thoughts of Ted and Dougal, she suddenly thought they should go out. Probably had something to do with what was on screen though; watching Dougal visit that slipshod funfair likely set her off thinking about days out.

A day out. This Sunday. That'd be nice. She'd let Abe and Lisa choose where. That'll be nice of her.

When was the last time she was nice?

* * *

Abe the anteater woke up earlier than he did on Sundays, all because he needed to take a leak. Probably had a bit too much to drink last night...poor choice of words there. Drunk a bit too much water. That's it. While he had been looking forward to a Sunday lie in, he thought that since he was up and about now, he might as well stay up and about. After a quick shower and his breakfast ants, he went to his study to finish off some paperwork. It was dull and frustrating, but there were worse ways to kill the time. Plus, he strangely felt a bit more alert during the early hours then he would have if he had lied in. This alertness didn't really help him much with the paperwork, as he still felt his mind wander as it usually did, and it wandered to places he didn't want to go to.

After just thirty minutes of the scribbling, his body pried itself from the chair and Abe began a series of random acts; wandering about the place, drinking glasses of water, and just intervals of sitting down and thinking, each of the activities weighed down by a sense of slight guilt at his laziness. Back he went to the paperwork then, and an hour into it, he heard the doorbell. He went downstairs to answer it, feeling a tingle of relief.

None other than Claudia stood at the door, scratching her left ankle with her right foot. She was just the same as she always was when she came to visit, with the shades under her eyeballs, the dull trenchcoat, the alcohol on her breath and the way she complimented the grey, wet noon outside. Seeing and smelling her, Abe breathed through his mouth, as he didn't really like thinking of booze or anything related to it.

"Hello, Claudia! Happy birthday!" With that, Abe ran to another room and came back with a card and gift voucher. "I thought you'd come."

"Thanks," said Claudia, placing the card in her pocket.

"And before you ask, yes, you can use my computer."

"Thanks," said Claudia in the exact same way as before, except this time, she shook Abe's hand as she did so. Both strolled into the study, with Claudia hijacking Abe's computer to look for videos and assorted items of interest.

"So, have you ever tried a cyber cafe at all?"

"Once. I really just went just to see if anyone was looking at porn. No such luck."

"You like dirty jokes, don't you?"

"You can talk," said Claudia, gesturing towards the screen. Abe took a look and saw his Youtube profile, and Claudia pointed towards a 'Snoo_ping as _Usual' video in his favorites.

"Yes, I find that amusing."

"So do I. Fact, I find that whole show amusing. It's a reflection of our world, really; a nonsensical load of confusion, which includes being screwed by some fat dictator and his brainless followers."

"I don't really think you know what you're talking about sometimes."

"Well, neither do the guys at the pub. Maybe I have more in common with them than I thought."

"I wish you wouldn't go there so often."

"Tough."

"It's just..."

"Oh, shut up about that. You were a student, all students are idiots. I don't want any depressing anecdotes today, I want to have a fun day out with my best friends."

"Where were you thinking of going?"

"I was going to let you and Lisa choose. Oh yeah, do you know where she lives?"

"Yes, I do. We have a chat now and again."

"Has she told you any interesting tidbits? Like anything about her and Lyle's nightly activities?"

Abe rolled his eyes. "Yes, she told about 'nightly activities'. They like to play Scrabble."

"Killjoy."

So after more conversation, the two decided to give Lisa a surprise visit, and went towards Abe's car. Entering the vehicle, combined with the alcohol still present on Claudia's breath, cast Abe's mind back to that 'incident' back in university. 'Thank God no-one was killed,' he told himself repeatedly in his mind.

"You're not punching yourself in the balls again, are you?"

"No, no. I'm sober."

"Yes."

* * *

After a quick and dreamless sleep, Lisa blinked her eyes open and turned towards the clock by her side of the bed. Eleven am. Good. It was good to take it slow on Sundays. Besides her, Lyle still slept, snoring hoarsely. Good. He could use some rest. She let him slumber while she freshened up, savouring it more than she would any other day of the week. While she could still hear her dear hubby snore as she went about her routine, she knew he'd wake up eventually, and went to prepare breakfast for the both of them. Croissants. That's it. Maybe lunch as well since it's almost noon. Cress sandwiches always improve his mood.

Sure enough, the beast emerged from his cavern just as she had finished the breakfast and lunch, and the two lemurs gave each other a 'Good morning' before a good old munch. After that, Lyle had a mope about his situation, and, as worried as she was, Lisa had to say that everything was going to be OK before handing him the paper. She was almost certain looking through that paper wouldn't solve anything, she didn't tell him that. Instead, she decided to get some cleaning done, though she didn't really know why.

Just as she was about to flick the switch on her vacuum cleaner, she heard the doorbell, and the phrase 'Saved by the bell' entered her brain briefly. After looking at her husband browsing for a while, she walked to the front door, and, when she saw who stood there, felt a sudden surge of energy. Here stood Claudia and Abe, two of her coworkers from the Caribou Kitchen, the place where she really found her footing. Working there made her what she was right now; she remembered a time when she kept to herself, rarely going out or talking to anyone, but taking a job at that place helped her become more confident. Plus, the first time she met Lyle, he was a customer there, who she saw again at the bar she went to after work.

"Oh! Claudia! Abe! What-are-you-doing-here?" Turning around, she took a better look at Claudia, the latter forcing a smile. "You-look-a-wreck."

"Didn't get a good night's sleep."

"Lie-on-the-couch-for-a-bit."

"I said I didn't get a good night's sleep, I didn't say I _wanted _one."

Abe chuckled before turning to Lisa. "It's Claudia's birthday..."

"Oh-happy-birthday-I-forgot!"

"Yes, anyway, she just wanted to pay her old friends a visit!"

Claudia nodded. "That's right. I mean, I haven't spoken to you in yoinks."

"I-know. Would-you-like-some-tea?" So the three began the age-old tradition of sitting around while warbling about their past no matter how much or little they really wanted to share it. "Well-even-though-I-invited-you-to-the-wedding-Claudia-I-guess-you-don't-really-know-about-me-and-Lyle-let-me-tell-you..."

"Would you mind going a little slower, please?" said Claudia, burying her head in her hand.

Seeing her old employer show such disapproval caused Lisa to create a minute of silence before continuing to talk about her life in a nutshell; how she met Lyle, their first date, how she got her new job, how she got the new house, Lyle and her getting married, and how Lyle recently lost his job.

"Shame about Lyle losing his job like that," said Abe, sipping down his coffee.

"Least-I-still-got-mine."

"Yeah," said Claudia, "but that's gonna make your job even worse, knowing you're the sole provider for your family, and fucking up at your job could mean your family being fucked over. Hey, are you and Lyle planning on having kids?"

"Not really."

Claudia looked at Lyle for a moment and shuddered. "Here's a hint: don't."

"You lost your job a week ago, didn't you, Claudia?"

"Yeah, but good riddance to it. I can't even remember what it was. But forgetting it isn't going to pay for the rent."

"True. But quite a few people are going jobless nowadays, especially animals like us," said Abe, looking down at his feet, "I'm lucky to still have my job. The office has been letting people go a bit."

"I-guess-we'll-have-to-budget-a-bit."

"Yeah," said Abe, "Maybe you should budget a bit too. You can start by going easy on the drinking." Claudia gave a hoarse chuckle.

"Nothing-wrong-with-a-bit-of-beer-now-and-then."

Abe looked around the room aimlessly. "I suppose."

"And," said Claudia, "It is good to have a place to get away from humanity for a while." Now Abe had begun to fidget all the more. "A bunch of twats them humans are."

"Well..." said Abe, wringing his hands, "Animals can be twats too."

"But the majority of twats are human, I find. Would you agree, Lisa?"

"Anyway," said Abe, "Claudia suggested that we go for a day out, and she said me and you could choose. Nothing too expensive, considering we have to budget..."

"Oh, never mind budgeting. I'll be bankrupt soon anyway, so I might as well put whatever money I have to good use."

"Always the cheerful one. Anyway, anything good on at the pictures?"

"Nothing-I-can-think-of."

"Well, erm..."

"Oh, you two are so boring."

"Maybe you could suggest something then, Claudia?"

"I know!" Claudia grinned, revealing her yellow teeth. "Since we're all good friends, let's have an _orgy_!" She laughed, but Lisa just gave an embarassed glance and Abe buried his head in his hands. "Oh, come on! How do you expect me not to think about sex? Hell, just about every guy I've met smells like..."

"Claudia," Abe moaned like he was her mother.

Watching the two argue, Lisa began twiddling as much as Abe did. While she did want Claudia here, having not spoken to her in years, she also felt an urge to shove her out. Maybe it was the smell. Suddenly, she noticed she hadn't said anything in a while, and tried to think of something. "How-about-just-a-walk-then?"

Abe quickly glanced outside the window, looking at the grey sky. "Not exactly good weather for a walk, is it?"

"I-don't-mind-rain," said Lisa.

"No, I'm with Lisa," said Claudia, "I could use some fresh air."

"I guess I could too," said Abe, "I've had a lot on my mind, and I need to clear my head."

Just then, Lyle appeared. "Hey-Lyle," said Lisa, "Want-to-come-with-us?"

"No-thanks," said Lyle, "Not-really-in-the-mood." Oh, poor thing. Still, Lisa was sure he'd be okay by himself, and gave him a little peck on the cheek, only to turn around and see Abe and Claudia with odd expressions on their faces.

The next thing Claudia knew, she found herself going for a stroll in the woods with Abe and Lisa, the latter two wearing zipped-up jackets in case it rained. She was with two of her best friends, who she had known for years and could talk about things to, and yet she still had a sense of uncomfortableness. Perhaps it was the way none of them were talking, and the forest was unusually silent, without a sign of birds or wildlife.

"So, Abe," said Claudia, wanting to break a disquieting silence, "Do you talk to anyone else...from the Caribou Kitchen days?"

"I sometimes talk to Betty Beaver," said Abe, resting by a tree darkened by rain water, "All she normally talks about is what trouble her boys are getting into."

"Huh," was Claudia's response.

"I don't talk to her much, because, well, I feel quite uncomfortable about anything that has to do with the law..."

"Unless it also has to do with Batman." Both Claudia and Abe smiled.

"You-know-speaking-of..." Lisa took a deep breath as she attempted to slow down. "Speaking of the Caribou Kitchen, I think I owe you guys."

"Great. Can you pay my rent?"

"Seriously-though...I...think helping out in the Caribou Kitchen helped me find my footing, so it's great-to-see-you-guys-again."

"Can't go five minutes...anyway, let's stop talking about that place. Let's just enjoy the scenery." Claudia pulled out a cigarette and a lighter from her pocket, and smoked it as she sat on a tree stump, and tried to do as she said. The scenery was marginally better than in the city, moslty because it was bland as opposed to just plain hideous.

"Well," said Abe, fidgetting again, "Wasn't the whole point of this excursion to help us reminisce?"

Claudia didn't answer, but instead turned her attention towards a squirrel scurrying down a tree, then muttering something to itself. "You know what?" said Claudia as the squirrel exited from her sight. "Do you ever regret your species at all?"

Abe turned towards the direction of the squirrel. "So...you want to be a squirrel?"

"No, I mean...caribous, anteaters, lemurs...aren't exactly the most beloved of species."

"What do you mean? I...like being an anteater."

"But really? Who gives a shit about anteaters? Who gives a shit about caribou? Humans are 'the dominant species', cats can get away with murder, but nobody cares about caribou, no." She gave a slight pause. "At least I get these neat antlers."

"If you hate humans so much," said Abe, "why do you use their resources? Why don't you live here?"

"I don't hate humans, I just think they're annoying, like you can be at times."

"Hey!" said Lisa. "Don't-argue!"

"Sorry," was all Claudia said before the three friends walked for a few minutes in silence. Like Claudia suggested, they basically just enjoyed the scenery, listening to the sounds of less-evolved animals. Soon, they began to feel a little weary and sat on a bench for a few moments.

"Hey, Claudia," said Lisa, talking strangely slower, "You know we're doing this to help...remember?"

"Yeah, I suppose so."

"Well...not far from here is, well...Tom...and..."

"Oh fuck it," said Claudia, bowing down her head, "Fuck it, this was a bad idea. Mind if I go home now?"

"No, we don't mind," said Abe.

"OK then." Claudia began to slink away, then stood for a while. "I don't deserve friends like you." Then she left.

* * *

After the brief visit to Tom, Abe and Lisa thought that they might as well make use of being together, and go at least somewhere. That somewhere turned out to be none other than McDonalds, where Abe bought a coffee, and Lisa had a Fillet O' Fish with a large chocolate milkshake. "You-know," said Lisa, in between slurping down her shake, "I-applied-here-before-coming-to-the-Caribou-Kitchen..."

"I don't think we should talk about that place anymore," said Abe. "Well, this outing was pretty much a waste of time."

"Not-really. It's-always-good to hang out with you guys..."

"Maybe you should be getting back to Lyle. And I should be getting back to my paperwork, if I want to...you know..."

"Yeah." Another slurp of her shake. "We-haven't-talked-much recently."

"Well, I have been busy. The lay-offs have meant more work for me."

"I've-been-busy-too."

"I suppose you would have been. Being busy is good though, I get bored easily."

"So-do-I."

"Do you read comic books?"

"No. Stop-asking."

"Sorry, I sometimes repeat myself." Abe paused for a second. "Just that I was rereading Watchmen again; gets better with each reading. You always find new things...but I suppose you're not interested."

"Not-really....hey, when I left the Caribou Kitchen..."

"I said not..."

"Who-did-you-get-to...replace..."

"Oh." Abe began to fidget again. "The only one who applied for the job was this...dog. Her name was...Penny, I think."

"How-was-she?

"She was the only one who applied for the job."

"I-said-how-was-she?"

Abe choked out a laugh. "I remember she had her head in the clouds the whole time." Hearing this gave Lisa a chuckle before she finished off her burger.

"Well-better-be-going," said Lisa, "Have-a-nice-day."

"Yeah, that paperwork isn't going to do itself."

So Abe walked away from the McDonalds, placing his hood over his face due to a wind. Just before getting into his car, he took a look behind him and noticed Lisa zipping off. A sudden urge to follow her ignited for a second, but he entered his car anyway. There was still work to do.

There was always something to do.

* * *

The room Claudia lay in was sterile and dull, with its walls completely white, and with no furniture, but still, it was a relief. She knew this was yet another dream, and a dream about nothing was better than dreams about fucked-up crap. Although, dreams where you know they're dreams are still pretty odd. Lucid dreaming, she remembered them being called. Or something like that.

Feeling rather bored just lying about, Claudia sprung up from the floor and walked down the corridor until she came to the three-foot tall door. Entering through it, she found herself back in the Caribou Kitchen, exactly as she remembered it from years ago. The bright yellow walls, the tables, even the giant grinning teapot standing in the corner.

"Oh, come on! My life doesn't revolve around this place, you know." Just looking around made her feel sick.

"Don't be so grumpy!" said Claudia II, who walked out from the left wall. Looking just like Claudia when she was younger, only with a grin that literally stretched a mile, Claudia II always liked to make everything seem as happy as possible. Happy for her anyway. For Claudia, the original, it was either creepy or annoying, usually the latter. "Come, have a seat."

"Fuck off," Claudia closed her eyes. "You're not scaring me." Upon opening her eyes, Claudia was at the table with Claudia II, with tea being poured to them by the grinning teapot.

"Thank you, Uncle Teapot. Now, Claudia, you seem a little upset. Why don't you tell me all about it?"

Claudia just turned her seat backwards and chose to ignore Claudia II. The grinning bitch just wanted attention, and it was best not to give it.

"Come on, talk about it!"

Claudia stayed silent, rolling her eyes, expecting to wake up soon.

Claudia II stayed silent too. For the first time since this dream started, Claudia shuddered. Holding herself, she turned around and saw that the other caribou had disappeared. Uncle Teapot remained, and so did his grin. The teapot stared for a few seconds before Claudia slugged it right in the face, causing it to shatter. The grin still remained.

"I see you're not having a good time." The familiar voice. "May I enquire as to why that is?" In an instant, Claudia stared into the blank eyes of Zordrak. Her mind registered every detail about him immediately, yet she couldn't tell whether or not they had met before. "You fancy yourself fearless, don't you?" A smile lit his crocodile face. "I don't like people like that."

"You do know how pretentious you sound?" Claudia swallowed.

"I could say the same for you." Zordrak rubbed his squirming chin. "I know you're terrified. I'm powerful enough to know." A scream of pain escaped Zordrak's gullet as his right arm bubbled like water in a kettle.

"I'm not stupid. I know half-baked psychological shit when I see it. You're conjuring up some Freudian crap because you get hard from people being scared of you."

Another howl from Zordrak, who began to tower more over the caribou. Claudia's stomach twisted as she saw more of Zordrak's body, with his left arm reduced to a skeleton and his torso reminding her of two-week-old milk. "So you're not afraid?"

Claudia said nothing.

Zordrak laughed, and the world seemed to shake as he did so. "What about your friends?" Claudia cocked an eyebrow. "Yes. Your friends are experiencing nightmares themselves, and bringing me much joy. The anteater, the penguin, the lemur...all of them. They're not as stubborn as you are, I can still hear their screams." Claudia stood silent again.

"Listen closely." Zordrak stood still. "Ah. Don't you ever feel like screaming?"

Something made Claudia answer. "Sometimes."

"How about you see some of your friends' nightmares? Maybe you could try and rescue them?"

"Won't they...wake up?"

"Yes, they'll wake up. But every time they go back to sleep, they'll face my nightmares again and again, and as time goes by, they'll get worse and worse."

"I think they know the difference between dreams and reality."

Another roar, this one being the loudest. "You're saying my nightmares aren't _real_?" Crouching down, his face met Claudia's again. "I daresay they're far more real than _you_ are." He licked his lips, his elastic tongue almost covering his head. "You might be yet another creation of the Dreammaker, sent to irritate me." His jaws opened.

"I know what I can do about that."

With that, Claudia's eyes snapped open, and suddenly, her apartment felt secure.

Another dream. Another Zordrak dream. More of the same.


	2. Same Old, Same Old

**Same Old, Same Old**

Repetition was something Claudia despised. Be it the neverending stream of unfunny comedies and dire horrors at the movies, or what she found in the Sunday comics every week, she couldn't help but notice that when one is subjected to something a certain amount of times, unavoidable ennui begins to rear its ugly head. There was only so many times she could listen to a joke before she stopped finding it funny (normally only once), and even when watching the news, stories about the same old, same old, even if they involved death, didn't peak her interest. Hey, another armed robbery. Oh look, a questionable politician.

And to think, it was this same old, same old feeling she had been beginning to get as of recently that made her try to make some changes. Her world was utterly repetitive and needed improvements. Something she had known for years, but had never really thought about or acted upon. Looking back on everything she did in the past few months, maybe even years, she saw a distinct pattern. Look for a job. Find a job. Lose a job. Use whatever money to be scrounged to pay for rent. And of course, the daily trip to the animal pub. Have a few pints. Maybe a brief talk with Marlon the barkeep and the other animals. Go home for a ciggie.

Same old same old. Dull dull dull. Something new was long overdue.

It was something of a surprise that she came to this conclusion simply through her own personal ennui. A small thought that had lurked in the back of her head was that the nagging she had to endure time and time again about her lifestyle would one day cave down on her and cause her to have an epiphany. The 'smoking is bad' adverts on the telly and the pleas from her old friend would cause her to lose all her urges for smoking and drinking, and perhaps she'd even get down on her knees and find religion or something of that nature.

She scoffed at herself for even thinking about it. Pure Disney sentimental trash, that's all it was.

Still, she understood why Abe the anteater, good old Abe, objected. He's looking out for her, he wants to help, and all that other Hallmark stuff. And, that incident at university. Once or twice a month or so, he'd randomly call her and ask her how she was doing. "Fine," she'd reply every time, even if she didn't mean it. Sometimes she thought it would just end the conversation right there and then, and she could get back to whatever it was she was doing. For some reason, talking with him gave her a certain uncomfortable feel she couldn't put her finger on. Certainly she shouldn't have that feeling when talking to someone who had been her friend for years.

Although there had been one snippet of a conversation over the phone, just two weeks ago, that rattled about in her brain and unnerved her:

"Y'know what? I don't think you like me calling you..."

"No...I do, I mean, aren't we friends?"

"I suppose. But I'm beginning to think you like being all depressed and lonely. I call to make conversation and hopefully cheer you up, but you treat me like some nuisance."

"Well, only when you hop on your little soapbox and try to be all goody goody and shit!"

"Then you'll be happy to know I've decided to stop doing that. You want to smoke and drink and act like a bitch, then go ahead. I'm not stopping you."

She pressed the switchhook in a second.

So maybe it was Abe and not ennui that made her rethink things. Or perhaps it was a mixture of both. An image came to her mind of herself as a TV star, and Abe as the viewer, desperate for entertainment. He turned onto her show, only to find it was another episode revolving around her alcohol addiction, and she certainly wouldn't have blamed him were he to turn to Scrubs instead.

Now look what she was doing. Speaking of her problems as if they were entertainment, amusement for some odd omnipresent sadist. But then again, damnation if it wasn't appropriate. There _was_ some omnipresent sadist, she _was_ being watched. Was it Zordrak? No, Zordrak wasn't real, he was just a part of her tortured subconscious.

No, that's why she wanted some changes. If she made those changes, she'd be happier and Zordrak would go away.

Sighing a little, Claudia decided to open the window for a little while, as the calming chill of the nighttime breeze normally made her feel better, even if the wailing sirens outside were amplified. Feeling the cooling winds touch her muzzle, she felt it would help her look on the bright side of things. After all, she _had_ tried to make some changes.

One change she attempted to make was to consume less alcohol. Not give it up altogether, just lower her intake. Just a few a week. It'd save her money. Just a six-pack of Foster's every once in a while, with an occasional Red Bull or Dr Pepper just to keep her urges in check. Deep down, she knew that drinking lowered her, but she still couldn't find it in her to quit altogether. That fact felt a little sad but she found comfort in the fact that there were many other people like that, but their addictions were far worse. Likewise, she couldn't give up her cigarettes; whenever she had been deprived of them for long periods of time, they seemed to call for her treasured company.

But she planned to stop going to the bar altogether. One time it was something of a haven for her, a Hunchback-esque sanctuary, where she could find some fellow downtrodden souls, but now, going there was beginning to feel like a chore. Larry still went, and he seemed to gain more annoyance with each passing second. Just last week, he made that joke about mad cow disease, and laughed about it like he had invented it. Says it all.

And guess what – once again she had been reminded of the Caribou Kitchen by the patrons, and sadly, there was no fucking involved. One night, shortly after that birthday trip, she was noticed by a rather gruff-looking bear. "Hey," was what he said.

"Can I help you?"

"Heard you once had this cafe place that got vandalised by some yobs."

Claudia grunted. "Don't remind me."

"Heh. What a brave little soldier you are."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"I bet after you went out of business, you just laid back on your ass and did nothing." Part of that was true; there were times when Claudia thought that if working hard wasn't really going to pay off, there had to be some reward in being lazy. Hell, being lazy is its own reward.

"What's it to you?"

"You're lucky, you know. You people don't know how lucky you are. When I was a kid..."

"This isn't going to be another story about how your mother wouldn't hug you, is it?"

The bear snorted. "When I was a kid...while all the other brats were playing and procrastinating their lives away, I was out saving their asses from fucking _everything_."

Claudia paused to attempt to understand what the bear was trying to get at. "Right."

"I mean it, everything. Name anything supernatural and chances are, I faced it. Some mutant turnip comes and turns people into carrots, I had to face it. Some dickhead stealing the magic orb of the nibblepibblies, I had to retrieve it."

"Are you sure you just didn't get high a lot as a kid?"

"I think I've faced more weird things than Buffy and Mulder and Scully _combined_. I could have had a normal childhood, but _no_, I had to constantly go up against wizards and goblins and..."

"What are you complaining about? I'd _love_ to face wizards and goblins! Who wouldn't?"

"Yeah, every kid dreams about that stuff, but when it happens every single day..." A familiar laugh interrupted the bear, as Claudia turned her head upwards to see Larry. "Yes?"

"Boy, Claudia," said Larry, "that guy's a hoot, ain't he?"

"He is not a hoot. He's a douchebag. A weird, possibly high one at that."

"Look at the pot here. You're the usually the death of the party."

"Okay, okay," said Marlon, rushing over, "You three stop arguing!"

"Typical," groaned the bear.

"Huh," the penguin turned to the bear. "Been telling your stories again."

"Hey, at least I've seen things worse than your...Cactus B Death or whatever."

"Look," said Marlon, scratching his beak, "Just get along, okay?"

"Ah, screw this," said the bear, lifting off his seat and wrapping his yellow, chequered scarf around his neck.

Repetition sucks.

Another change, although Claudia was hesistant to call it that, was that she actually went out and got a small job, working at the cafeteria of a supermarket. Sure it was a change from her normal lounging around waiting for a job, but there was a slight air of that ever annoying repetition, considering her previous jobs at supermarkets, one of them appropriately being a reindeer at a Santa's grotto, and her previous happier days working at the Caribou Kitchen. Still, she hadn't worked at that supermarket before, so it was a start.

And of course, she was finally doing something about her loneliness. She had put an ad in the personals. Yes, the personals.

What's more, she actually got a response! From none other than a character called Henry's Cat. A strange name to be sure, but still, he gave her a letter and no one else did. He seemed a nice person, or at least an honest one. Apparently he liked 'watching telly, going out, telling jokes and looking for adventure', which Claudia was somewhat alright with, although her tolerance for jokes had waned quite a lot, even if she told the occaisonal one from time to time. He also stated he had a friend named Chris Rabbit, which sent some warning bells ringing off in Claudia's head, as she had heard many a story about frustrated housewives forced to wash the dishes while their husbands were out bowling with their mates, but she felt she could live with that. While her chores may be tedious, they at least gave her a chance for her to think, as they somehow got her mind racing.

Nothing in the letter, or any other letters Henry's Cat had sent in the past few weeks, had been particularly romantic. No heartfelt ballads, no similes, no desperate pleas of an aching heart, no, Henry's Cat just wrote short letters, mostly about napping and what he had been up to with Chris Rabbit, as if Claudia were a pen-pal rather than a possible lover. 'Hello Claudia, Today I had a most fascinating nap. I dreamt I was a pilot. Then when I woke up, I went and watched a bit of telly. It was boring. So how are you? It's nice to hear from you.' Claudia couldn't remember if those were the exact words, but it was the general gist of just about every letter she recieved. Reading them, she thought nothing of it. Perhaps he was nervous, it was his first time. Then after just about four or five of his letters about his dreams (including one rather strange one about a faceless man in top hat and tails), she began to grow weary of them.

Although, she could hear some voice inside her saying 'You wanted something different, well, you got it! Might as well embrace it.' Not that many toons were so interested in dreams; when she tried to tell the people at the pub about Zordrak, they just shrugged it off. Henry's Cat may not have mentioned anything like that creature, but maybe he'd like to hear about it.

And of course, her letters weren't all that romantic either. Every time she sat down to write some heartbreaking monologue about her lonely, meaningless life and the hole in her heart as deep as a well, she hesitated in doing so and decided to write about the last episode of Doctor Who instead (or who Henry was; a question never answered.)

That's a thing, Claudia immediately thought. In all her sulking about the absence of a significant other, she had never really embraced her 'sexual' side, that is if she had one. Sure, she fucked from time to time, but that was just entertainment, and they came about just because the men were drunk. It wasn't true sex, just a bit of a diversion really. At the time she was having these thoughts, it was getting quite late, so she had changed into her nightie and bathrobe just after getting out from the shower. The moment she noticed this, she decided to have a little bit of fun with it.

Walking over to an old, chipped bedroom mirror, she slid off her bathrobe and let it drop into a magneta-coloured heap on the floor, exposing her furry, nightgown-clad body. With this act performed, she giggled playfully at her reflection, and slunk off to bed. Stretching like a cat and embracing the soft duvet made more refreshing by the outdoor breeze. With one arm behind her head, and the other patting the bed in suggestion, she wiggled her hooves and her face adopted a 'come and get me' look.

Her tiny apartment had never seemed so cavernous.

True, what she did was something new, but it wasn't that, it was that it didn't click. No hidden tiger lurked in her, and she'd doubt any sober man would be impressed with her. Was it her flat chest (she at one time thought her antlers made up for that), or her obscure species, or that for some reason, former restaurant owners don't seem all that appealing? She didn't know and didn't want to know. Well, drunken sex is better than no sex at all.

Still, she doubted Henry's Cat would care about such a thing. Not once in his letters did he note anything sexual, and when he asked for her photo, and she just sent in one of her with a blank face, he said she 'looked nice'. He sent in a photo of himself and he was nothing too attractive: just a big, fat yellow cat. As much as she indulged in her teenage-esque fantasies of being carried in the arms of a muscular superstar, she didn't care about Henry's Cat's looks, and wouldn't be embarassed were she to be seen in public with him.

Ah, yes. They had decided to go out. Claudia refused to call it a date, it seemed to her more of a friendly excursion, though 'date' did seem to make itself somewhat known in the back of her head. It was simple: go to the cinema and watch a movie, go back to Henry's Cat's place for a little dinner then go home. Simple and yet somehow significant. Claudia couldn't help but feel such an excursion would be a learning experience, a life experience. Perhaps something like that would give her the drive to finally start on that novel she had been planning in her head. She had decided it would be a romance novel, probably for the sole purpose that it was something women like her lapped up like kittens to milk.

So she had something to look forward to. That alone was quite a change in her lifestyle.

The day of the planned excursion came and Claudia found herself facing the inevitable challenge all females at one point face: what to wear? The temptation to wear a red dress and high heels made itself known, but Claudia wisely said no to that urge. Instead, he just chose a rather plain but comfortable ensemble - a white t-shirt and black skirt, with a coat as it would be a chilly night. After collecting an assortment of coins and notes and stuffing them in her skirt pocket, she locked her door and went outside. While she once again embraced the cooling night breeze, which was lessened without the comparison to a stuffy apartment, she also couldn't help but be welcomed to the stench of piss, the sirens, and how clammy it felt just looking at that one alleyway.

Walking a while, she came to the bus stop, where the mighty vehicle hissed right in front of her. A quick ride, and a little saunter, and she found herself right at the house of Henry's Cat. A small little bungalow, with a small little garden. Claudia remembered having a place like this, until money problems and whatnot drove her to the dingy apartment.

She stepped forward and rang the doorbell. After a few seconds, the little red door creaked open and from it emerged the fat, yellow cat, clad in a little white shirt and holding a bouquet. "'Ello Claudia, I thought you moight like these." Taking the flowers, Claudia couldn't help but notice how she towered over the little cat, which gave her a slight sense of superiority.

"So, are we going?"

"'Ow, I thought you moight like to stay a while before we leave. Always noice to 'ave some company." So, placing the bouquet on a table near the door, Claudia entered the house, and took a brief look around. A nice, simple place, with everything you'd expect from a humble little bungalow, yet there was something Claudia couldn't put her finger on, like she had entered the Twilight Zone but couldn't explain why. Henry's Cat had immediately sat down on a couch, so Claudia walked over and sat by him. He immediately tried to make conversation. "See that cuckoo clock over there? I got it as a present from when I helped stop a robber."

"Right. So, from reading your letters, I've heard you're interested in dreams..."

"Oh wait, 'ere's Chris Rabbit!" Henry's Cat pointed right in front of himself.

"Where?"

"Right there! Oh, hi, Chris, this is Claudia!" He was talking to air.

She should have known it, in fact, she kicked herself, internally, of course. She should have sensed something a teensy bit suspicious in the letters, and now she was probably dealing with some sort of psycho killer or something.

'You wanted something different, well, you got it! Might as well embrace it.'

Maybe. He can't be some killer. It's probably loneliness. There's another thought: maybe if Claudia stuck around and got on Henry's Cat's good side, she could 'cure' him and they'd all live happily ever after. Bollocks. Still, it had potential to be interesting, and Claudia had had enough of boring.

"I'm sorry, Chris, but you can't come on our date. You better go home."Despite being invisible 'Chris' still felt more real than Marlon's 'Doom' or the bear's wizards and goblins. A few moments of silence followed, then Henry's Cat turned to Claudia and gave a small smile. "So, are we going?"

Claudia gave a slight groan. "I don't feel like going out anymore."

"And woi's that?"

"I...don't know. I mean, what were we going to see anyway?"

"I don't really care."

"Do you have any DVDs? I prefer watching at home to the cinema. The floors are sticky."

"How true. But I loike watchin movies though. Great way of escape."

It turns out Henry's Cat did have a lot of DVDs, and they sat together and watched one. A rather forgettable movie about the navy or something. While Henry's Cat stared at it and became almost a vegetable while doing so, Claudia fidgeted nervously. She so wanted to leave, and yet couldn't bring herself to do so. Or maybe she just wanted a ciggie?

"Mind if I smoke?" She recieved no answer, so she just assumed yes. Slowly she stepped out of the room, and into Henry's Cat's back garden to smoke, which seemed to make her worries, or at the very least some of them, evaporate. It was only after a cigarette of enlightenment that she felt she was being too hasty in judging Henry's Cat. Or bollocks, perhaps she wasn't. She knew life's many allegories, and this could be one of them; the dating scene just isn't for her, and if she was going to get people like Henry's Cat who speak to nothing and freeze at the sight of a TV screen.

Still, it was different, so she decided to give him more of a chance. Entering back into the house, she sat with Henry's Cat through the forgettable movie right until the very end.

"Wow. I really enjoyed that! I'd like to own a submarine and go underwater, and maybe catch a whale!"

"A whale?"

"Yeah, Chris Rabbit said that to catch a whale, you dress as a whale and makes friends with a whale..."

"Did he?"

"Yeah, and then you play leapfrog and wait until the whale leaps into a net."

"How...clever..."

"I tried it, but it didn't work."

"Sad."

"Now let's 'ave ourselves a nice dinner."

Henry's Cat made him and Claudia spaghetti and meatballs, and Claudia had to admit it tasted good, better than anything she could normally come up with. She remembered in the days of the Caribou Kitchen, when it was Abe's day off and she had to cook for him...good times. While the spaghetti was nice, she couldn't help but notice Henry's Cat. He seemed troubled.

"What's wrong?"

"Oh, nothing."

"Tell me." It was bothering her.

"Ow, it's just that you don't seem to be enjoying yourself. You seem a little uncomfortable."

"No, no..." Claudia slumped and sighed. "Well..."

"You can go if you want to..." That sentence alone stung Claudia in the gut. Why weren't they at a fancy restaurant, with candlelight and roses, sharing a dish, and a kiss brought on from chomping on the same piece of spaghetti? Why wasn't Henry's Cat carrying Claudia up to his bedroom for a fitting end to a spectacular night?

Because it wasn't her.

She just said "I'm not hungry" and left. Walked home. When she got back, she couldn't help but notice the Twilight Zone feeling washing over her again. That encounter was ever so brief, and felt like a rather odd dream. Rather different.

No, it wasn't different. How was Henry's Cat any different from that bear? How was he any different from Marlon? How was he any different from Larry? They were all weirdoes, and the world is full of weirdoes. Same old, same old.

Maybe repetition was there for a reason, to keep a sense of order in the universe. The same old, same old may be boring, but sometimes boring can be comforting, as there boredom is the dominant problem and not nuclear bombs or something. Plus, reflecting on it, changes can be bad; just writing that thing for the personals was advertising herself as a lonely and pathetic speciman, which she was not.

Certainly the apartment and everything that came with it was a change from what she remembered as being happy and cheerful. But since she remembered her Caribou Kitchen days all in bits and pieces, that was probably a dream, a nice dream she only remembered because she was rudely awoken in the middle of it.

But were it not for the letters she had, she could have sworn Henry's Cat was just a dream. She never heard from him again, not even in a stalker sense like she almost expected. Perhaps just a figment of her imagination she created to teach herself a lesson, except she couldn't tell if she learned anything.

Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, life is but a dream.

Weeks and weeks passed with no sight of Henry's Cat, or even Abe for that matter, and they passed by quickly. And after those uneventful weeks, Claudia began to get bored and thirsty again, and decided, what the heck, to go to the bar, have a few beers and maybe chat up some people.

Same old same old.


	3. Swiper No Swiping

**Swiper No Swiping!**

_Noon on a perfect summer's day. The sun stood proudly at the pinnacle of the sky, its warm glow banishing all darkness and clouds and welcoming the smiling trees and flowers. The plantlife of the forest proudly flounced their leafiness and flamboyant greenness, waiting to impress any passer-bys._

_Across a long path, framed by a group of flourishing bushes, two figures walked – skipped- towards their destination, all the while engaged in a tuneless, yet cheerful song. The 'leader' of this duo, a Hispanic girl no older than seven, skipped in front, while her partner, a small blue monkey naked save for a bright red pair of wellingtons, tried to keep up, both of them wearing beaming smiles they were rarely seen without._

_And what reason had they not to smile? They had set out on another quest, bequeathed onto them by their friend, the talking map, and that could only mean excitement and thrills awaited for them._

_Their skipping came to an abrupt halt upon hearing the rustling of bushes._

_"Uh oh," said the girl, with her gigantic smile becoming a slight frown, "that sounds like Swiper the Fox!"_

_Behind the bushes stood the masked culprit himself, grinning like a demented feline as he began to think of what the girl had in her possession._

_"That sneaky fox is_ always _swiping our stuff!"_

_The fox's grin slowly faded as he shrunk back into the bushes._

_"Do_ you_ see Swiper?"_

_Upon hearing his nickname once more, the fox got down on his gloved paws and retreated further into the forest, suddenly losing the urge to fulfil his modus operandi yet again._

_"Swiper left?" The young duo looked around for a while, and saw no sign of their nemesis. Shrugging, they continued on their journey._

* * *

SWIPER NO SWIPING!

Oh man.

Oh man oh man oh man.

That's the way things are supposed to be. That girl and her monkey are off on some happy adventure, then I leap out. Most of the time there's that "Swiper no swiping! Swiper no swiping!" thing, and after that, I suddenly lose my urges to swipe whatever she has, and I retreat. Lather, rinse, repeat. The order of things.

I keep asking myself why I keep falling for that. How I can approach that little brat with so much confidence, and have it wiped away when she says those words. My name isn't even 'Swiper' anyway. What type of stupid nickname is that? I'm not 'Swiper', at least I don't think I am. I always thought I was Jeffrey, but maybe I'm wrong.

Oh, what was I talking about? Oh, yeah, sometimes I'm lucky. Sometimes I grab her stuff. Seeing her all 'oh this is so bad' amused me. When I have her stuff, I just toss it away. "You'll _never_ find it now! Ha ha ha!"

What was I thinking?

Perhaps I wanted her map and her backpack to be impaled on some thorns so they'll stop singing those stupid songs I keep hearing when I try to take a peaceful walk. Or perhaps I just wanted to see whether or not she'd actually recover her stuff; hey, you have to make do when you don't have a TV.

Maybe I thought, that in some way, she deserved it. Don't think I haven't seen her, giggling and prancing about with those friends of hers, going home to a nice warm bed. I bet she's never had to sleep in a damp space under the ground. I bet she never had to search for the right place in the forest to crap in. Nooo, she has everything and it was all given to her, because she's so special.

But I don't care about her. No. She can keep her stuff. I'm through with her. I mean, she isn't fun anymore, she's so predictable.

I remember my first time swiping. A summer's day like this one and my stomach gurgled like crazy. I kept telling myself to find a rabbit or something, but there were none of those weak little critters in sight. Not to mention Dad never really taught me how to hunt...anyway, walking about, randomly picking leaves off trees to distract myself, and then my eyes came across a human family having a picnic. A mum and a dad, and two little kids. They looked so happy...

Oh, Mum...

So they were having a picnic and I was hungry. I thought I would take just one, maybe two sandwiches or something. I probably could have just gone up and asked them, but I'm a fox. I was born to be a scavenger, and that's what my instincts dictate. And would humans really willingly feed a scavenger?

With my aforementioned instincts, I crept through the bushes and behind the trees until, quick as a flash, I grabbed something from their basket. I think it was a pork pie, it's hard to remember 'cause I ate it so quickly. Something then told me, 'hey, Jeff, that was easy, why not once more?' and I swiped again. A sandwich, can't remember the filling. The dad saw me and he got mad, so I ran. I ran until that fat dad got out of breath and I found a good hiding place.

It was fun, I admit it.

Lying in that hole, my heart pounded against my ribs and my eyes searched the area to catch a glimpse of him. Although I was so sure he was going to appear any moment with a 'Gotcha!', I quietly laughed. I had never enjoyed myself so much.

'It was so much fun', said something within, 'you should do it again.'

So I did. I swiped again. And again. And again. One time, I remember, I swiped this guy's...thing, I think he called it a phone. I ran through the forest, giggling and yelling 'Can't catch me', but not only did he catch me, he also beat the shit out of me as well.

Of course it was idiotic to continue after that. I just wanted to feel the thrills again, even after I knew the consequences. It just added more challenge.

I sit on a tree stump and, after taking off my trademark mask, play with it. If I am to do this, it should be for food and sustenance, to prove myself king of the forest or whatever. My swiping was all for the yuk-yuks and I've wasted my life on it. Specifically, I've wasted my life on that fat little girl who talks to nobody when she needs help (I sometimes think she's talking to God, though I've never been that religious.)

Still, looking at her pudgy face with those cute little eyes and that big smile...it reminds me of when I was a kid...

It was about when I was eleven. I lay in my 'room', cuddling my sole possession, my little soft monkey, when suddenly, Mum burst in, practically foaming at the mouth, ordering me to wake up and get out. She and Dad used to argue a lot but I hoped it would never get like this. As we ran through the forest, trying to get as far from Dad as possible.

Before that, I remember them fighting all time, with Mum screeching like a banshee and Dad yelling like some sort of madman. I wanted to go to them and ask them what they were fighting about, but I stayed in my room like a good little boy.

I don't think I ever saw my Dad after that, and I rarely ever spoke to Mum; I was afraid of her. When she left Dad, she was always so quiet, and I always suspected she would snap any minute.

"Mum, why'd we leave Dad?"

I shouldn't have asked that. She was eating and I asked that.

She spat food all over the place. I heard that wretched banshee scream again and I wanted to cover my ears.

Then she tried to calm down.

"Jeff...I don't want to talk about it..."

"But..."

She then hit me across the face.

"Jeff! I'm sorry...I..."

I ran away and avoided her like she avoided me. Lying on the floor of my bedroom, I sobbed my eyes out as I rubbed where it hurt. My little toy monkey, the one Grandma gave me, I held it in desperate search of comfort.

"Jeff?"

"Go away!" I threw the monkey to the floor and tore its arm off.

Oh, wait, where was I?

Oh, right. That's it. I'm done with my schtick forever. No more swiping. No more Swiper. It's just Jeff now. Bye bye mask. Bye bye gloves.

Off I go to the foxhole in Blueberry Hill, my home that will probably also be my grave. I'll spend the rest of my life here, I'll live on blueberries and I won't bother anyone ever again.

As I sit in the beam of the foxhole, the one source of illumination in this dingy place, I realise something doesn't feel right. Is it the cold breeze? No, I'm kinda used to it. The damp, wet walls? I'm used to them too. Is it the berries? No, I like berries, though they're not all that filling.

It's how _anti-climatic_ this feels.

My entire claim to fame has been through swiping. It is where I truly found myself and made me feel more satisfied than I ever had in my life. It made me unique among my kind. It made the pain go away. Now I'm just going to give it up just like that? I go out, not with a bang, but with a whimper?

It feels as if I need something more to go out on. I pull off something big and then I retire satisfied and infamous.

The city.

I remember hearing that there is a city a few hours walk from this forest, though any of the animals visiting it is pretty much rare. I've heard there's animals in the city too, but those animals have no instincts to fulfil, and don't sleep in holes or hunt lesser creatures. Pretty much furry versions of humans. There's one or two of them in the forest as well, and I remember Grandma being friends with one of them, but mostly there's animals like me who have to forage for food and can't earn money and will never live it up in a big mansion, unless they were a pet, that is.

Do people keep foxes as pets? I doubt I'd be a good pet; I'm not exactly housetrained.

If that girl can explore, so can I. I may not have a dumb singing backpack or map, or even my own little sidekick, but I'm going to the city so I can have something to go out on. I'm not even going to go back for my mask or gloves; I'm not going to hide myself from the humans like I'm some sort of coward. I'll swipe what I can from the city's denizens and then retire as regular old Jeff the Fox.

It takes me quite a while, and I keep ending up getting lost, but after a lot of walking, I find the road. The road. If I follow it, I end up in the city. I'll swipe from it, keep the stuff this time and then get out. Simple.

Walking across the path to my destination, it gets dark quickly, and the weird lights, which look like warped monsters of some kind, illuminate my way. It's something I haven't seen before, and it's utterly beautiful. People go on about the 'natural beauty' of my homeland, but I see it every day. This is special. The eyes of the gangly creatures brighten the road, and sometimes, a 'car' I think it's called, zooms past. It reminds me of a horse.

Another long bout of walking follows, though not as long as the last, and sometimes the thought of what I plan to do excites me so much I break into short bursts of running. Eventually, I come across a spot where the road curves into a circle and breaks off into branches. I follow one of the branches, and soon I lay view to a group of giants towering over me, oppressively framing the road.

The transition begins.

The giants of brick seem to grow as I approach them, and they seem almost angry that I've trespassed into their world. I now see humans walking about, some of them with bags. Those people have goodies! Swiping them will prove difficult considering there are no trees or bushes to hide behind, but that just adds to the challenge, doesn't it? It adds to the fun. I'm saying, "Look out world, here comes Swiper!"People will notice me, and revere me. I'll only do this once though; it'll make it seem more special. I'll be Jeff forever afterwards, lying in my foxhole with a smile on my face as I remember my final swiping caper, and indulging in my new possessions. Perhaps the humans won't even find it in their hearts to come after me. "It's what foxes do," they'll say.

As I scurry down this monochrome world, which admittedly makes me want to return to the forest in daytime, I note some surprised glares from the humans; I even think I saw one of those animals. Perfect. With my back to a wall, I spy a woman carrying her shopping. The scenario immediately plays out in my head: I leap out from behind her and, while she's in surprise, I snatch the bags right under her nose. She runs after me, and some others might as well, but I retreat to the shadows and they're utterly bamboozled.

The thrill will return.

The target is in plain sight. She hasn't spotted me yet, but will soon realise what I'm made of. No 'Swiper, no swiping!', no tossing it away like rubbish, I'll grab her stuff and it'll be my property. I'll have something to eat other than blueberries. I'll have some nice things like I should have.

I immediately dart towards my target in excitement, making sure to be nice and loud. The people will see me in action and I'll finally get some appreciation.

My face hits the cold concrete.

It seems so surreal; one minute I'm running, the next minute I fall. The question of how this happened was immediately answered by the sound of laughter. Looking up, I see a group of humans, most of them without hair, jeering at me. I think they're saying something, but what comes out of their mouths isn't all that different from the grunting of pigs. I get up, but one of them instantly kicks me in the stomach and sends me tumbling back onto the ground. Another bout of laughter. I don't try to get up this time, but I still have a foot press down on my stomach.

"Stop..." I manage to grunt.

"What was that?"

"Leave me alone!" Hey, it worked for...

More of that laughter floods my ears, and I can make out some of their words: "Listen to this prick" "Leave me alone!" "Wanker" and then it devolves into grunting. I try to ignore them, for I notice the woman with the shopping is getting away. I remember striving so hard to swipe that girl's possessions, and I'm going to strive harder. I dash to my target again, and one of those humans actually touches me. Their finale is to slam me against a brick wall and run off.

I'd never do something like this, would I?

As my face once again makes contact with the concrete, I forget all about that woman. I forget the swiping I'm supposed to accomplish. Instead, I just cry. I bury my head and my hands and let the tears run down my cheeks. What good am I now? How will I get the infamy I promised myself? I'm just an animal. Not the mighty 'Swiper', not even Jeff, just a fox. Not even a good one at that; one who faints at the sight of blood and doesn't even realise the opportunities of living near a chicken as big as a house. I just let what just happened happen, and maybe I wanted it. I try to remind myself of the thrills this should have, but it keeps disappearing, and that voice that once convinced me to pursue swiping now tells me I'm nothing.

Still, lying here, I wish for someone to come and perhaps take pity on me. "Oh poor thing" they'll say, and they'll help me. Then I'll...no, no I won't.

I knew this was a mistake. I should have just stopped swiping without all this travelling and whatnot. "Swiper, no swiping!" Deep down, I've always known what I've been doing, my entire MO, was nothing but a waste. I could have been that little girl's best friend, I could have had fun with her and all those other animals, but I blew it all, just for a quick laugh. Now the world is punishing me for it with those guys, and all these people walking by me and acting like I don't exist.

Every one of my kind is supposed to go out on their own into the big wide world at some point of their lives, and I went out prematurely, wanting to forget Dad and Mum and my old home. It was rough, but not as rough as it is right now...

"Jesus Christ." I hear a voice, and it seems to be directed to me. "What the hell happened to you?" I look up and I see a city animal: a female moose of some kind, her mouth smeared with red, wearing a long brown coat.

"Hi."

"You know, animals like you shouldn't be here, especially not at night." I give no response. "Christ, I can't stand...well..." Gaining a sympathetic look, she helps me back onto my feet.

"Hi," I say again.

"Do you have a name?"

"Jeff...I guess."

A chuckle escapes her throat, but her sympathetic look soon returns. "It was pretty stupid of you to come here."

"I guess."

"Still," she continues, "I suppose I should look out for a fellow beast. I'll get you a drink."

She takes me under her arm, and it feels nice and warm. Instantly, I'm reminded of Grandma. Oh, good old Grandma. I remember being outside, all on my own after a rainstorm. My fur was stained with mud and I shuddered from the cold. She saw me and let me stay with her for a while.

"You should go back home," she said to me, "I'm sure your mother misses you very much."

Sometimes she would send me some nice presents her friend helped her buy. That little girl even delivered me one of them. Stickers. They made the hole look more comfortable.

Snapping out of my memory, I find that the deer has taken me to a rather dirty-looking building, and as we stop, she turns to me. "Wait, forgot. Are you under eighteen?"

For some reason, the way she asks that sends shivers up my spine. "I'm not sure I want to go in there."

She rolls her eyes. "Oh, there's actually some really nice people there. Nicer than most of the people out here anyway. I'm sure they'll accept you." Immediately she sighs and I begin to want to leave. "I'll get you a drink, then you go straight back to the forest."

The door creaks open, and what lies inside is less impressive than what I initially saw from the city, with its dirty walls, lack of light and sparse room. Still, there is an element of magic. Weird magic, but magic nonetheless. The place is crawling with animals like me. Well, not crawling, but they make up the whole of the entire room. A rather sad-looking alligator lies in the corner with an orange drink, wearing a similar coat to the deer, and joining him is a dog with blue fur, also dressed in the same manner. Behind a long table, cleaning a glass of some kind is a big black bird.

It's definitely not what I'm used to.

"Hey, Claudia," says the bird.

"Hi, Marlon," Claudia replies. Where I'm from, when people say 'Hi' to each other, it's ecstatically. Neither Claudia or the bird seem all that enthusiastic.

"Who's your little friend?" Both their eyes are on me, and I shrink away.

"Jeff," she says with the same enthusiasm she greeted the bird with, "He's a forest critter."

"Don't get many of those here."

"I know. Just get him a glass of water or something. I'll have the usual." She slumps down on a strange seat that looks like a mushroom of some kind, and places me on one next to her. "You're lucky, you know. Most of these places would have treated the likes of you as a common mutt."

The comfort I once felt from her seems to fade. "That's...not very nice."

"That's life, I'm afraid." She sighs and rests her head in her hand. "I wish I could be like you sometimes. You must have a pretty simple life. You don't have to worry about things like money and all that."

"I...guess..."

"Why the hell did you come here anyway?"

SWIPER NO SWIPING! Why did that phrase just spring into my head? "I guess I just wanted...a change of scenery."

"I suppose that's why I came here too." She turns away from me, as if she's speaking to an invisible person. "Maybe someday I'll get away from this place and find a nice meadow. I'll spend the rest of my life naked eating grass. I'll probably be much happier."

The bird passes us our drinks; Claudia gets some of that orange stuff, and I get a bottle of some kind. The liquid inside the bottle instantly reminds me of the sparkling streams of the forest.

"OK, Jeff," says Claudia, "After this, you go back to the forest. Bad things happen after dark."

"What bad things?"

Her eyes seem to lose all emotion. "I don't want to talk about it." With a deep breath, she continues, "Would you like to talk a while?"

Nobody's ever wanted to speak with me before. "What about?"

"Oh...stuff."

"Well..." What do I talk about? The many times I failed at obtaining swag because a little girl told me off? She'd laugh. I just say the first thing I think of. "Your hair looks nice."

"Not much for conversation, are you?"

"I...guess not." I gulp down some more of my water, and the feeling that I don't belong here sinks further down the pit of my stomach. Leaving my bottle at the table, I begin to leave.

"Wait, don't go just yet." It's something from the way she says that sentence that makes me stop in my tracks and turn around.

"But you said..."

"Well..." She scratches the back of her neck. "I just want someone to talk to for a while."

The bird rolls his eyes. "Here we go again."

I move back to my seat, and finish off my water with a large gulp. "I guess I've wanted someone to talk to as well." I reply, which is true, except that there's little I've wanted to talk about. In a way, I feel sorry for this deer, although she makes me feel a little uncomfortable.

"We have something in common. Cute." After taking a gulp of her drink, she turns to me. "It's just my friend is out visiting his sister..."

"Your friend?"

Another gulp. "His name's Abe and he's an anteater. You know, he says I shouldn't come here."

The feeling sinks deeper. "Why not?"

"Because he's a goody-goody and thinks alcohol's 'bad'. He's a nice guy and all, but sometimes he does get on my nerves. We once..."

"Claudia," says the bird, and I feel a bit annoyed on her behalf, considering he interrupted her, "I really think you should take the poor guy home. He's never been to one of these places before and he looks kinda scared." I guess he's right. I can't put my finger on it, but although it's friendlier than what's outside, there is something I fear about this place.

"I guess you're right," says Claudia, placing a hand on my shoulder. "Come, I'll help you get home."

"But what about..."

"It's nothing!" People here are so weird.

We both leave together, and she takes me under her arm. It feels warm. In a short while, we find ourselves outside the strange world of brick giants and concrete where there should be plants, and I scurry off.

I just leave.

What about the Swipe of the Century I had planned? What about my infamy? What about my excitement and how this will be a fitting send-off?

I'm too tired for that now, so off I go to a nice area by a tree, and I go to sleep.

* * *

_"You know, I have problems too, but you don't hear me whining about them!"_

_That's what Marlon said before she left. That's what he kept saying. And why shouldn't she 'whine'? Why shouldn't she whine about the fact that she barely has any money? That she couldn't keep up a job? That this – THIS – was the best she could do for herself?_

_She had heard him 'whine' too. He was part of some motorcycle gang – the 'boys' he called them. Then 'Bluey' died of...something, she couldn't remember, and 'Rocky' moved on and raised a family. Good for him._

_Entering her apartment room, she took a look in the mirror and sighed. She must have been really desperate to turn to a forest creature for companionship of all things. Sure, she was an 'animal' just like them, but she didn't need to murder lesser creatures for food, or have some human tie her to a leash and keep her in a cage, and she didn't live in some hole in the ground (although, looking at the state of her room, sleeping in the grass would be an improvement.)_

_While having screaming brats running around her abode was the last thing she wanted, she still felt a need for companionship, even after Henry's Cat. Sure there was Abe, but they never really 'connected', and there were all the times he'd be all Mr. Goody-Goody 'Smoking is bad for the lungs' and blah blah blah. He once suggested a support group but she never went._

_Her furry fingers rustled through a pile of old newspapers, and her eyes stared at the photos of the once-beautiful Caribou Kitchen, now, in her eyes at least, smashed to smithereens. Gone. The only job she ever loved._

_She was a janitor for a short while, but gave it up for obvious reasons. It was also for obvious reasons she gave up that job at the supermarket, and that other job she didn't want to remember at all._

_Her usual evening cigarette. Her usual evening shower. And after putting on her nightgown, time for bed.

* * *

_

PLUNK!

This is my new way of amusing myself now. I throw stones in the stream and watch the impact. Sometimes there's a big splash, sometimes there's a little splash. I guess I have to do something to stop my fingers from itching.

My fingers sometimes have a life of their own. They see something they want to hold and tell me to go after that thing, just so they can feel whatever I'm going after. I suppose I don't really let them savour the 'taste', since I normally throw away whatever I have, but perhaps that's a good thing. Even if I succumb to them, I won't let them have the last laugh.

Now I'm going to defeat them full-stop. Sure I'll occupy them with things like this stone-throwing and whatnot, but I won't let them indulge in their favourite hobby. Fewer hindrances for that girl. Less telling-offs and guilt trips for me. Everyone wins.

The city though.

Did I actually go there, I ask myself, or was it just some weird dream? I've had weird dreams like that before. One time I dreamed I was in a strange room with nothing but a flower. Another night I dreamt I was a turkey.

Claudia seemed dreamlike. One minute I'm talking with her and the next she's gone. I definitely can't say I've met someone like her before. Why? She was...unhappy. She felt like I could relate to her.

Everyone I've met just seems to be some happy-go-lucky, Mister-Nice-Guy, sugar-sweet lump of joy. Sure, sometimes they worry, but nothing ever seems to really go wrong for them. Solved in a matter of minutes. Solved by looking around and answering questions (could that troll's riddles be any easier?) Solved by saying 'SWIPER NO SWIPING!'

'SWIPER NO SWIPING!'

I'll go back to the city, just to prove to myself it exists. Perhaps it's better in the day. Maybe I'll find Claudia again, and perhaps we'll talk a bit more. I bet she'll understand me. Maybe I'll make her happy...

What about swiping? The people there don't know your weakness! The other forest creatures will think you courageous!

Again my fingers itch.

No, I don't want to go back for swiping. I'm not Swiper, I'm Jeff. Although that place seemed rough, it was still like nothing I had seen before, and from this, it had a weird mystique. Plus Claudia. I'll find her again, and I'll make her happy. Then I won't want to swipe anymore. I'll tell her everything; she'll understand, unlike that little brat.

And how could I stay in the forest, when it was in a meadow much like this one that I saw Mum...

Forget that, I'm going.

It takes a shorter while than it did yesterday, and the brick giants and concrete ground seems much more inviting in the day, although the presence of the warped creatures of light leading the way is lessened. Still, the sunlight should make it easier for me to find Claudia. I'll find her, we'll speak about our problems, and perhaps I'll put all that silly Swiper stuff behind me.

I scurry into the streets like the forest creature I am, and, using my 'instincts' as they are, hide in a...I think it's called a dustbin. Here I'll hide in wait until I see the deer, then surprise her with a nice 'Hello!' While peering out from the dustbin lid, I see a sad human with his face in one hand, a bottle in another.

"Hi!" I say to him, hoping that a friendly greeting will cheer him up. He doesn't move a muscle. "Hello!" I move out of the dustbin and reveal myself more. Still not a movement.

A horrid thought enters my head: what if Claudia acts the same? What about others? I'm just a lowly fox after all, aren't I?

After dispelling that nasty thought, I leap back in the trash and keep a look out. As I do, some more thoughts pop into my head. Could I use my swiping powers for good and not evil? I could get Claudia a present to make her happier, and I could get me some nice food. I certainly need better varieties of nutrition than just berries, and I could use a few nice things.

Someone walks by, but it's not Claudia. It's a human.

My fingers itch again.

He's from the city. He's bound to have something more than what that little girl and her friends have. I'll swipe from him, and I'll have pulled off something new. Something I'll be able to go out on. Won't that girl be impressed; perhaps she won't underestimate me in the future.

Forgetting about Claudia, helping her and thus redeeming myself, I leap out of the bin and towards the man. My fingers pull me towards his coat, where there's sure to be money and whatever. As I approach him, he turns to me, but I don't care. I want my presence to be known, I even bear my claws and teeth for the occasion. I'm the king of the forest, the alpha male and if I'm going to swipe, I'm going to do it with grandeur.

BLAM!

All that confidence, that excitement, the adrenalin...gone in an instant.

I was sure that I would pull off a successful swipe, that I would keep whatever I stole instead of throwing it away, that after a heart-pounding chase scene I would get away scot-free. I would truly be Swiper.

I'm not Swiper the fox. Not even Jeff. Not even a fox. Just a...I don't know.

On the concrete ground, I find that I can hardly move as the stream of red passes all over my body.

"Help..."

I'm not noticed. People pass by.

"Help..."

I close my eyes as I find my urges fading. I came here to find someone like me. Someone as troubled as me that I can share things with. Not to pointlessly swipe.

Closing my eyes, I try to imagine that I'm back in the forest, that I'm just a normal forest critter and not one that thought he could be infamous. One that had a mother and father to help him grow strong. One that found a female fox and raised some great cubs.

Perhaps I could have been her friend...maybe...perhaps...why...

Why?

"Oh..."

There's nothing I can do for it now.

"_...man..._"

* * *

_If she wasn't going to it, who would?_

_Claudia normally hated going to the forest; not only did the singing flowers and the cheerful critters without a care in the world make her feel sick to her stomach, it felt like she was being mocked. Still, it felt the right place to bury him. Throwing the peat over an old box she found in the cupboard/Jeff's coffin, she sighed. Part of her wished she could have seen him die so she could deliver a 'told you so' to him as he was about to croak. He was a fellow animal though; one that seemed troubled enough to make her feel somewhat sorry for him as she saw everybody ignoring his carcass in the alleyway. They probably thought he was a rat._

_Poor Jeff. She was the funeral's only pallbearer and attendant, and a mere stick in the soil served as his gravestone. They had only spoke for a few seconds and she was the one 'preparing' him and she didn't know why. It still felt appropriate._

_No use mourning. Mourning and sobbing never fix anything. She was not in the mood for saccharine or paying 'last respects', so she placed another cigarette in her mouth and began to walk home._

_"Hola!" Claudia turned around to see a smiling child and her monkey companion, off on an adventure of some kind._

_"Piss off."_


	4. Bike Up!

**Bike Up!**

_The tower was a blemish upon the landscape, a hydra from Hell with a selection of grinning faces staring at me and Rocky. Being unable to stop our motorbikes at that point, we drove right through the mouth of one of the devilish heads, and crashed right in front of Slime, that reptilian Igor, with the bulging yellow eyes. My first encounter with the little gargoyle, and his greetings to me were two simple words: 'Seize them!' Rocky and I just wanted to get the hell out at that point, and just think, if we had escaped at that very moment, there may have been no Avenger Penguins, and that obese slug would be king of the world. However, the robot elongated its arms_

Beginning to feel tired, Marlon slumped into his seat and paused his writing for a minute. While his body seemed to be telling him it was time for bed, he still made his way to his kitchen and made another cup of coffee. Night, he felt, was when he did his best writing. True, he did get some done during the day, tapping away under the pale sunshine, but night was what set the scene for writing about daring exploits. Night just had that allure, he supposed, one of the perks of working as a bartender. Sure, this was the 'bad side of town', and the hoodies and crooks were out, but Marlon was used to that type of thing, and had even got a thrill out of it from time to time.

Thrills. That's what Marlon had been seeking most of his life, and he always found ways to get them. Those school days when he picked fights? Thrills. The races with Cecil Stink? Thrills. The life-or-death battles with Caractacus P Doom? Thrills. Yet, somehow, the yearning for excitement faded with time, and soon, he found himself longing for a quiet, solitary lifestyle, though he had asked himself why he took up a job as a bartender if he wanted peace. Still, no matter how many drunken fights broke out, the patrons were nowhere near as bad as Doom.

And what of Doom? Although he felt that those tussles with the megalomaniac defined him in a way, Marlon still had discomfort when talking about that villain, though he didn't know why. Doom was an idiot. An incompetent lardass with delusions of grandeur that couldn't take over a public restroom. Yet, for all his emptyheadedness and egotistical ramblings, there was always that air of menace about him, and the fact that he just seemed to come out of nowhere didn't help. Perhaps he wanted to be defeated, perhaps that was his purpose in life. Perhaps he was the Devil himself, and his plots were just a way to tempt him, Rocky and Bluey into some sort of sin.

There definately had to be some temptation about with Doom. How else would he have recruited Harry Slime? That Harry Slime. He should have been a 'good guy'. After being tortured by Doom, and seeing all the benefits of abandoning the lardass, he still kept on perpetuating his role as the lowly idiot sidekick. Maybe there was some complex reason Marlon's feeble penguin mind couldn't fathom.

Doom was gone, though. Gone for good. Gone to that big laboratory in the sky - no, the other place. Still, Marlon couldn't help but feel that Doom was still alive somewhere, lurking and working on a 'master plan' of some kind. He could even be right in the...

Marlon rolled his eyes at his own stupidity. Thinking like a child scared of the boogeyman! Although the little fears that come with it was another reason why he thought the night was so inspirational for him. While on the subject of inspiration, Marlon remembered he had to get back to writing his autobiography, something that he really had to work on. He had done it all, and therefore, there was a longing to share that with the world. For so many times had he been praised for his exploits and victories, and yet he felt few people knew the real Marlon. There were hopes that more people would get to know him better when he became a bartender, but nobody really talked to him there. So this book was going to be his way of reaching out to the world. A guarenteed bestseller for the ages.

Yet he couldn't work up the drive to continue working on it.

Were it a nervousness to remember certain adventures or just plain laziness, Marlon just couldn't get the words to flow, so he decided to do something else. Suddenly, he remembered a special night he was going to have the next evening at his bar, and waddled off to his kitchen to prepare for it. That evening would be 'Haddock Milkshake Night', where he would prepare his favourite beverage to his customers. Gathering the milk, the ice cream and the haddock, he sang a little song to himself as he mixed them together. 'There's nothing like a haddock milkshake, there's nothing like a haddock milkshake...' There was something relieving about that little ditty, something that made the recipe seem easier and quicker to prepare. The drink was soon completed, and Marlon guzzled it down in one gulp. Ah. Just like Bella used to make.

Bella. That kind, lovely fellow penguin that bestowed upon him precious foods. Remembering her name gave him just as big a lump in his throat as Doom. Marlon hated getting these uncomfortable tingles in his gut, so he tried to chase them away somehow. Maybe through another rousing rendition of the Haddock Milkshake Song? No, that wouldn't do it. Instead, he tried to remember something funny he heard on a comedy show he saw the night before. Mock the Week, yeah. Always good for a chuckle.

Then he went to bed.

* * *

_Slowly, Marlon made his way to the rooftop, taking deep breaths along the way. This was it. Everything he had ever done, everything he had been through, it had all been leading up to this very moment. Rocky and Bluey were to sit this one out; this was Marlon's fight and his fight alone. He was the leader, he was the mastermind, so he was the one Doom wanted. Were he to lose this battle, the Avenger Penguins, Big City and the world would fall apart._

_Only one of them would survive._

_Finally, he reached his destination, and while his heart still pounded, he felt the smallest touch of relief upon seeing his opponent. Doom stared at the sky for a while before turning to Marlon and smirking. "So you came, eh? I didn't think you would have the guts."_

_"This is it, Doom! This ends now!"_

_"Indeed. Just you and me. No motorcycles..."_

_"...no weird machines..."_

_"Just us two, um...enemies, waiting to fight the final, epic, thrilling...epic..."_

_Marlon charged towards his nemesis as fast as his flippers could take him. "Don't you ever stop talking?" Aiming for Doom's humongous gut, Marlon increased his speed, only for Doom to grab him by the neck with his near-skeletal claws. A second of observing his prey, and Doom dangled Marlon over the bustling streets._

_"I wonder what sound a penguin makes when he falls to his death?" Still tiring of having to listen to the lard-hips' voice, Marlon bit Doom right in the thumb, taking the villain by surprise, and allowing him to escape from the clutches. Doom lunged for Marlon once more, but Marlon slugged Doom right in the double chin, and again right on the nose. Instantly afterwards, Doom kicked Marlon backwards, knocking him against a wall. Rubbing his head from the impact, Marlon's determination could only grow. This was the despicable creature, who, even after spending a year on Mars as punishment, still pursued a life of destruction, threatening all Marlon held dear._

_It would end on that night._

_Marlon got back up, and saw Doom wobbling his way over, preparing another attack. Leaping up, Marlon punched Doom in the gut and sent him stumbling over backwards. With his enemy lying on the ground, Marlon took off his glove and took the opportunity to slap Doom in the face, before jumping right onto his stomach. Rising with fury, Doom snarled at the penguin, before the latter delivered a punch so hard, it sent the villain stumbling backwards._

_And over the edge._

_The helpless screams of Doom did nothing to deter Marlon, did nothing to make him feel sadness or guilt. It was simply a job he had to do, and a job well done._

_As their leader made his way down, Rocky and Bluey slowly approached the grinning corpse of their arch-nemesis, hearing an eerie, mechanical laugh as they did so. Reaching into Doom's pocket, Rocky pulled out a novelty laugh bag, and wondered what the heck Doom would want with one of those._

_Then the two penguins saw their fearless leader, and began to cheer.

* * *

_

That never happened.

Doom may be gone, but he didn't go down fighting. He just left, really. Still, Marlon entertained the fantasy of how he would have liked the lardbucket to buy the farm, as he went to open the bar that afternoon. The fantasy he had created for himself almost seemed to mock him with how distant it felt, and yet it also seemed like a genuine memory. Times he had trouble telling what was real and what was not. Although now that he thought about it, if he were to enter a final showdown with Doom, he'd want Rocky and Bluey by his side. He missed the both of them, though he was sure they were happier where they were. Rocky had a wife and kids now, the lucky guy. And Bluey...

Barely anyone, if anyone at all, came to the bar during the early afternoon, but Marlon opened it anyway, and did so with a smiling beak and a happy disposition. So there he stood, behind the counter, grinning at no-one for hours. Despite it being a rather warm Friday, nobody came around, so Marlon decided to use this little piece of freedom to prepare for his Haddock Milkshake night, which would be one of his many 'fun nights'. Since he was serving fish, he wanted his establishment to have a nautical theme for the night, so he covered the counter with a rope net, complete with paper cutouts of goldfish, to enforce the mood. He had even set up a little fancy dress contest - best 'briny deep' costume gets a box of Malteasers - with he himself 'entering' with a white captain's hat and a plastic corncob pipe. Fancy dress was fun, and fun nights brought in the money. Hopefully he won't be so behind in his payments.

His first customer of the day came at 8pm, a rather dull-looking hound. The dog didn't wear a costume, nor did he order a haddock milkshake, so he was quite a buzz-kill. "Yarr, me first customer, what'll ya be havin'?" Marlon had said, but the minute he saw the raised eyebrow, he began to realise how stupid he must have sounded, and took the pipe from his beak.

A few more customers arrived within the next couple of hours, all of them regulars. Harry the crocodile, Larry the laughing dog, and least but not least, Claudia the Caribou. Of all his regulars, only Larry and Claudia wore fancy dress relating to the theme he had created. Larry wore a shirt and tie, unusual for him, complete with costume-store captain's hat, while Claudia just had a bandana on her head and the typical pirate scowl on her face, as well as a newspaper tucked under her arm. Both ordered haddock milkshakes. Larry seemed to enjoy his, odd for a dog, and Claudia liked hers, though Marlon didn't know anything about her species and whether or not they liked fish.

As long as he had company, Marlon thought he might try and create conversation. That was the reason he tried to gear his bar towards the anthropomorphic crowd was that he always thought they were more relatable. "So, Claudia," he said, noticing Claudia picking up the paper and reading it, "anything interesting in the news?"

Slowly she turned away from her paper. "Would you really be interested?"

"Sure." Marlon nodded, as did Larry.

"You're apparently a 'hero', aren't you, Marlon?" said Claudia.

Hero. Yes, he was a hero. "Yeah, I guess so. Why?"

"Well, you're in luck, crime rates are increasing."

"Oh, crime's always increasing."

The stories in Claudia's newspapers were of robbers, murderers and rapists, which had no supercomputers or weird inventions needed to accomplish their tasks. It seemed a bit odder to Marlon than it probably should have.

"You know, Marlon," Claudia said, "you could be out fighting crime right now. There's certainly no shortage of it, and it would be better time spent than serving drinks to these losers." His patrons were losers, Marlon thought, but he'd never admit it. He was pretty sure Bella shared that philosophy. "Stop acting all pirate-like and find some criminals! There's nothing stopping you!

"Well," said Larry, "considering Batman's always beating up his cousin..." Marlon made a noise to stop Larry, as he always hated that joke.

"I don't fight crime," said Marlon, "because I don't want to."

"Well, isn't that a nice attitude? What if the police thought like that? Well, I guess they already do." Claudia put down her newspaper. "But hey, it's 'Haddock Milkshake Night', let's have a sea shanty!" Marlon and Larry were silent. "Or not. Oh, you two are boring." With that, Claudia left. A strange one that Claudia was.

"OK," said Larry, trying to lighten up the dreariness of the bar, "this elephant and this sparrow are going to a pub..." Marlon ignored the joke, yet forced a laugh when it was over. That's how he always handled jokes.

Aside from the haddock milkshake orders and Larry winning a box of Malteasers for being the only patron to give a crap about the contest, the night just went on as per usual for Fridays. At 1:00am, Marlon closed the pub, and watched his beloved customers leave, to go back to their pornography and television. All perfect routine, and as much as he like complaining about being bored, Marlon saw routines as something comforting. Certainly they were comforting back then; Doom would try to take over the world at least once a week, he and the boys would stop him at least once a week. This pattern being broken was cause for alarm, or at least, suspicion.

Now he had found a new, safer routine. The people he served didn't care about crime so neither should he. Plus, they were nice people, nice British people. He came here to get back to his roots, and his new job helped that feeling.

For a minute, he wondered how Bella really felt about running Slush City. Those comments about the 'weirdoes' that came there were probably just for humour but how did she really feel about the Badly Drawn Brothers, TV Joe, the Prospector, him? Who cares? He had no use for women. A bachelor for life he was.

After a quick, microwave dinner, Marlon still felt rather active, so he thought about continuing his book. Maybe he'd write down that fantasy, how he would have liked the final battle between him and Doom to have gone. He'd advise readers that if they wanted Doom to be finished off in an epic battle, they could just read that chapter and close the book right away. Real Lemony Snicket.

Trying to work up the drive to continue his autobiography, Marlon stared at a framed picture of the Avenger Penguins. He, decked out in leather jacket and neat little cap, Rocky, the lard bucket towering over his two friends, and Bluey, his shortness belying his brilliance. They had met in university, if Marlon's memories were to be trusted, they slowly learned the thrill of a motorcyle together and together they discovered the kind of life that best suited them. What happened?

What happened?

* * *

_**SMASH!**_

_Just as Caractacus P Doom had been attempting to search for the Penguins' location, Harry Slime, atop a walking machine acting as a second pair of arms and legs, had somehow crashed through the laboratory's main monitor just as Doom had caught a glimpse of him on the screen. It was like the train coming out of a painted tunnel in a Roadrunner cartoon._

_"Slime! You birdbrain! You destroyed my monitor screen!" Doom's words were that of fury, mixed with a tired expectation. "You'll pay for that!" Oh, how he had meaning to get rid of that toad. He only kept him around because of how much amusement he provided during times of stress, but that amusement had gone. Slime had no humour value anymore, another of his many faults as an organism, another reason why he had no business being on this earth._

_Yet he was laughing._

_"I'm sorry, Mister Doom," he said, with that slimy grin of his, "You can deduct it from my wages!"_

_"_Wages_?! You don't _get_ any wages!" _

_Slime drummed his fingers on a lever for his machine. He still grinned._

_"Now get out and take your stupid machine with you!"_

_Neither Slime or his machine moved, at least for a second._

_"Uh-oh! You shouldn't have said that, Mister Doom!" The machine that Slime sat upon lifted Doom off the ground with its steel arm. "Now you've made him very angry!" A trap door opened, and the whiff of feces and alien saliva filling the air heralded the presence of Doom's basement monster. Doom dangled inches from its tentacles._

_Shivers ran down Doom's spine. His heart hammered against his ribs. Fear. Something he should not be fearing, especially something brought on by that green midget._

_"I know it's you, Slime," said Doom, narrowly avoiding a writhing tentacle. "Put me down."_

_"I might be able to inference events in your favour..." Doom tried to take his mind off his fate by noticing how humourous it was to hear Harry talk in such language. "For a small _fee_, of course!"_

_Fear. As much as he didn't want to show it, Doom instinctively put it on display. "Anything, Slime! Just name it!" A tentacle slithered around his leg. "My wealth and all I possess..." The smell of the creature's breath touched Doom's nose. "...are yours." The creature licked its lips. "Just close the pit."_

_The trap door closed in an instant, and the frantic, wriggling tentacles vanished, seemingly eliminating Doom's fear in seconds._

_"You'll get _zilch_!"_

_He heard the sound of the trap door opening. He felt slime against his skin. Harry had thrown Doom into the pit._

_Screaming, Doom tried to escape from the Lovecraftian abomination he had created, but the moment he hollered in pain from having his leg ripped right off, he felt a new emotion: hopelessness._

_The last sound he ever heard was Slime's clammy laughter.

* * *

_

_WHAM!_

_After the noise awoke Marlon, he ran to Rocky and Bluey, shaking them violently._

_"What is it, Marlon?" Rocky yawned._

_"Guys," said Marlon, trying to show bravery, "I just heard a noise."_

_"That all?"_

_"You can never be too careful. It could be Doom. You know how quiet he's been recently!"_

_Footsteps. The sound frightened Bluey, making him duck under the covers._

_"C'mon, ya lamebrains!" These small words of encouragement had Bluey poke out his head from the covers and rush to the lightswitch. "Now..."_

_The door burst open._

_"Slime!"_

_Bluey screamed._

_"Bluey!"_

_Holding the gun above his head, Slime laughed maniacally. The sight of seeing Marlon and Rocky stare at the body of their friend just filled him with glee. That's what Doom would have wanted._

_The laughter. It made what happened to Bluey seem all the more horrendous. One of the best friends a penguin could ask for, and his death was just a joke. The laughter, the needed to be silenced, and Marlon silenced it personally through a slug to the head._

_The punch knocked Slime right to the floor, and before Marlon grabbed him by the shirt, the laughter turned to sobbing. Tears streamed from his yellow eyes, and the mucus dripping from his nose made him filthier than he already was. This didn't stop Marlon from throwing him against a wall._

_"No! Stop!"_

_"You...fuck..."_

_"I...I didn't want to hurt...I don't..."_

_"Doom..."_

_"No, no, it wasn't Doom..." Marlon raised an eyebrow. "Doom's dead!" And the maniacal laughter began again, a cue for Marlon to punch the little shit in his fat face some more._

_"Doom's dead, huh? Why should I believe you?"_

_"Here's why!"_

_Slime grabbed his gun and aimed it at his head._

_His laughs grew louder before his brains were splattered over the room._

_Despite the rotten stench, Marlon could not believe what just happened. After standing for minutes trying to wrap his mind around Slime's demise, Marlon slowly approached the corpse._

_It sprung up and continued its laughter.

* * *

_

Marlon woke up, holding his covers as tightly as Bluey did that night.

"Fuck. Fuck." Even after all these years, he still remembered every detail of what happened that night. Though in reality, Slime didn't spring back. While he did remember every detail to the letter, he still couldn't be sure if it was real. Not just because a close friend dying suddenly, but also because he had often found himself doubting most of his memories. Like that time he went to the 23rd century. Yet this memory, about Bluey and Slime's demise, seemed to force itself into Marlon's train of thought more than it did any other memory, constantly popping up when Marlon didn't want it to.

Maybe what Slime did to Bluey and himself was supposed to happen, a punchline to a joke that had gone on for too long.

Marlon foresaw Slime dying young the minute he met him, but still couldn't see why Bluey had to die as well. Bluey was always the real brains of the team, someone who the Avenger Penguins couldn't have gotten through without. The group even wouldn't have got its start without him. After the three had met, it had been Bluey who had introduced Marlon and Rocky to the world of motorbikes and thus helping Marlon finally be content with his life. It may not have been what his parents had had in mind, but at least Marlon was happy.

Parents. Oh damn. Mum's birthday was yesterday and he forgot to send a card. For some reason, the mere writing of 'Sorry for the lateness' seemed a burden. Strange what a train of thought could lead to.

Marlon took a look at his bedside clock. Nine am. Five hours asleep. Penguins didn't need to sleep for as long as humans, and yet he still felt tired. Still, three hours before opening his little establishment, so he felt he should take advantage of what time he had free. Wash self, brush beak, get dressed, have morning kipper. A little 'me time' before opening. A taped episode of Mock the Week helped start out his day on a light note, and usually was a good substitute for the news. Then at noon, it's to the pub to open it, even if nobody would come. Marlon seemed to remember a time when his place was quite popular, but like so many memories, doubted if it was true.

Well, some people did come: that dog from last night, as well as some faces he didn't care about, but still smiled at. Enough people to help pay the bills. Enough to give him some company. Enough to help him forget his troubles.

Claudia came round too, a rare occurence for a Saturday afternoon. "You look more cheerful than usual."

"I didn't see any teenagers coming here."

Marlon groaned. "So, the usual?" A pint of Guiness, with some salted peanuts.

"Yeah. Say, you know you don't work Sundays?"

"No, I don't."

"And, since I've come here so often, we're pretty much friends, aren't we?"

"I guess we are."

"Well, I just wondering...Abe's invited me for a picnic with his nephew tomorrow, and maybe you'd like to join me there?"

"Why are you asking me this?"

"You know, just so we get to know each other better."

"Maybe."

"OK then. Anyway, I heard Betty Beaver's boys got in trouble with the law, _again_." And thus began a conversation which was mostly Claudia talking about how humans, and quite a few other species, suck. Nonetheless, Marlon agreed to her proposal, and she told him where to meet her the next morning. Then she left.

Once again, the rest of the day went by as usual. In fact, its sameness was almost striking to Marlon, in a sense that it reminded him of another of his adventures. Once he was brainwashed by Doom into leading a mundane life, and here he was, living a mundane life and even being quite content with it. It was ironic, and he was definitely going to comment on the irony in his book. If he ever got back to writing it.

His new lifestyle could be part of Doom's latest scheme.

Why did he always think of Doom? Why was it, whenever he was trying to read, watch TV or even figure out the mysteries of the universe, Doom would pop into his mind? Just about every other line he'd hear on a TV show would make him think of Doom. Doom was a clown, a putz and was almost certainly dead. He deserved to die too, and so did Harry Slime. The fact that a vile, despicable idiot was now roasting and having pitchforks shoved down his gullet should have made Marlon happy to be alive, but the mere word 'Doom' was a pain to hear or think about. Marlon even had to throw out all his Fantastic Four comics.

All that mattered was Doom was not merely dead, but really most sincerely dead, and he was free to have a lazy afternoon with Claudia.

Bella.

Claudia, in her constant visits to his establishment, always reminded Marlon of Bella, but maybe that was because she apparently once owned a successful restaurant. The Caribou Kitchen. Marlon knew nothing about it, and didn't want to know anything about it. Slush City, though, there was a place. It always provided comfort after a long and troubling adventure, and, when fighting evil, the thought of seeing Bella's smile and munching down on some tuna ice cream kept Marlon going.

It still provided comfort, even after the incident.

* * *

_The morning after it happened, Marlon had called the police (despite the fact they did fuck all against Doom) and the coroner. After they did their business, and an investigation of Doom Tower turned up a familiar skeleton, they went to Slush City, because that was the only place they could go. They told everyone there, and silence followed. Silence. In Slush City._

_If there was one place silence didn't belong, it was Slush City._

_Bella shouldn't be silent._

_Remembering her unmoving, shocked face...it was worse than anything Doom had unleashed. The face had greeted Marlon at the funeral, and every time he and Rocky went to Slush City after the incident. The free haddock milkshakes did nothing to calm him._

_The face unnerved Rocky too, as one afternoon, he said that they should just give up crimefighting._

_"You really sure? I think Bluey would have wanted..."_

_"What, Marlon?"_

_"Never mind."_

_As they were talking, Bella still had that face on. So Marlon tried to comfort her._

"_Hey, Bella. Come on." She still stood silent. "Look..." All of a sudden, he noticed Rocky leaving Slush City. "Hey, I tell you what."_

_Her face changed. Good. "What?"_

"_How about I take you out tomorrow evening?" Silent again. "Y'know, just as a way to cheer us both up."_

_Bella took a short breath in. "Okay then."_

_So, that night, Marlon came home, but didn't find Rocky there. It didn't bother him as much as it should've, as he was pretty much expecting it, so he still scrounged up any money he had for an evening out as well as a special surprise._

_The next evening, Marlon took Bella to the Oasis nightclub, where some loser belted out an unintelligible song which neither of them paid attention to._

"_I really still can't believe Bluey's..."_

"_Well," said Marlon, rapping his fingers on the table, "ashes to ashes, and whatever. Maybe we should be glad that not all the Avenger Penguins died. I mean, it was a pretty risky business and..." Yet another moment of silence. "You know, for all the years I've been to your place, we never really got to know each other."_

"_I don't really think we did, actually."_

"_So..."_

"_Well..." Bella then proceeded to tell Marlon about her life, at least some of it, and a bit about how she acquired Slush City. Marlon couldn't really remember much of her life story – a shame, as he so wanted to incorporate it into his book – but he did remember what happened afterwards._

_They exited the Oasis and the reeking neighbourhood it was situated in, and took a taxi towards that hill overlooking the city. A glance at all its lights and splendour, a side either of the penguins had rarely seen._

"_Beautiful," was all Marlon could say, still a smidge intimidated by Bella dwarfing him._

"_I've never been up here before," said Bella, and Marlon swore he sensed some nervousness in her too. The two penguins then lay down on the wet grass and took a look at their home from a distance. The odd buildings, the neon signs, the twisting and twisted roads...Marlon even swore he saw his house. "Thanks for trying to cheer me up, Marlon."_

_Something about that compliment gave Marlon a slight rush of confidence. "Bella, there's something else." At that, he rummaged through his pockets as Bella gave a confused look. "Ah, here it is. Bella..." A small black box._

"_Marlon!" The tone of her voice made Marlon feel dwarfed once more. "You're not..."_

"_I am." He opened the box, revealing the ring. "It's not much, but it's all I could afford. So...how about it?"_

"_I don't know, Marlon...I thought this was all about..."_

"_Come on, Bella, we shouldn't be sad. The good guys still won. Caractacus P Doom is dead." His head turned in the direction of the city view. "Look, Bella. Look at Big City. The people there can now sleep peacefully. Doom is gone, and I like to think I, in some way or another had something to do with it." He turned back towards Bella, who had that look again. "It's not that I'm not sad about Bluey's death. He was a good friend. But there's something we should celebrate, and what better way?" _

_Bella shouldn't be silent._

"_Bluey fought with me and Rocky because he wanted us to have a happy ending. And we can make this that happy ending. Come on Bella, what do you say?"_

"_Marlon," Bella twiddled her fingers, and though she was nervous, Marlon still felt dwarfed. "I knew you and Rocky and Bluey had a crush on me...but I didn't think you'd do something like this. I mean, sometimes I want to get married, but...but I don't want my wedding to be associated with a death. Even that of Doom. Especially that of Bluey's."_

"_C'mon, Bella. Without you, who else do I have left? I mean, there's no more Avenger Penguins. No more Doom. No more crimefighting or chases or..."_

"_So...you just want me because otherwise you'd get bored."_

"_No, that's not what I'm saying at all..."_

_Bella took the ring, played with it, then gave it back to Marlon. "This isn't because you love me, is it?"_

_The ring ended up back in Marlon's jacket pocket. "Oh, fuck it."_

_The two stared at each other. More of that damn silence._

"_I'm going home," said Bella._

"_Okay."_

_She left, leaving Marlon alone with Slime's laughter.

* * *

_

On Sunday morning, Marlon awoke not to Bella's face or Slime's laughter, but a song he had heard on the radio which had got stuck in his head. This was to be a happy day, where he would have a happy picnic with his happy friends. No worrying, no bad memories, no misery. Big happy smile on a big, happy beak. Days off were supposed to be cheerful.

Washing, dressing, breakfast. Brushing the beak. A blue polo shirt. Bran flakes for energy. Then a few minutes of doing nothing before going outside to get on the bus. It was a bright day, with the sun bringing some much-needed illumination to Marlon's dreary surroundings, so he felt his spirits lighten somewhat. It took a while of waiting, but he managed to get on a bus. He sat next to a tall, old chap with a moustache and a newspaper. They ignored each other.

It wasn't long before Marlon came to a nicer place than where he lived, and he got off the bus to walk to where Claudia asked him to meet her. As Marlon waddled his way there, he looked at the complacent, plain neighborhood and wondered if he would like to live in a neighborhood like that. Rocky did now, with the dog, the white picket fence and all that stuff, so shouldn't Marlon? Marlon came back to this country for a quiet life, or at least that's what he thought, so why did he settle, even like, living among the hoodies and the bums and the sleazeballs?

A while later, he came across Claudia, now wearing a white t-shirt and jeans. As soon as she saw him, she waved and approached him. "Ah, you came."

"Course. You didn't think I would?"

"No, I'm glad to see you! It'll make today more bearable!"

"More bearable? C'mon, it's a picnic!"

"Yeah, with a kid! And with no fags! I'll die." Marlon could only laugh, even if he never liked smoking. A second later, he caught sight of two anteaters, an adult, with a plain t-shirt, and a small kid, who looked about nine-ish.

"Hey!" The anteater turned towards Marlon's direction. "You must be Abe!"

"Why, yeah."

Marlon shook the anteater's hand. "Claudia's told me about you."

"I bet she has."

"Ah," said Claudia, approaching the two toons, "You seem to be getting along."

"Claudia," said Abe, turning away from Marlon, "It's good that you have new friends, but I'm not sure you should have brought your bartender."

"Why not?"

"Well, I don't drink. And I don't want my nephew to hang out with someone whose job is to give drunken idiots stuff to make them even more drunken idiots!"

Marlon rolled his eyes, as the little argument made him think of his parents. Just then, he saw Abe's little nephew run to him.

"Hey there, little buddy." The kid resembled Bluey in anteater form. "What's your name?"

"I'm Aaron. Hey, you're a penguin, aren't you?"

"Yeah, I am."

The kid pulled out a 10p piece from his pocket. "Give you ten pence if you dance."

At first, Marlon raised his eyebrow, but then he remembered what Aaron must have had in mind, and danced. Or at least, moved his arms and feet randomly. The 10p rolled on the pavement and he picked it up. The kid laughed and clapped, to Marlon's content.

"See," Claudia gestured towards the penguin and the little anteater. "Your nephew loves him. A barrel of laughs, that Marlon."

"OK, you can come with us. Do you like ants?"

"No."

"Everybody says that."

"So I can guess."

"Poor Abe," said Claudia, "No wonder you've never had a girlfriend. Well, let's get to it, shall we?" The four toons hopped in a car, and, with Abe behind the wheel, the automobile began to take them to their destination.

"I still don't feel comfortable with a mixologist in my car," said Abe, which just irritated Marlon.

"Well, if it makes you feel any better," said Claudia, "he was apparently at one time, a superhero." With that, Marlon ignored Abe and Claudia, and turned towards Aaron.

"Hey, wanna hear a joke?" After racking his brains for a non-vulgar one, he just told the one about the doctor getting a phone call from that guy whose friend died in a hunting accident. He was sure the kid knew about death and understood it, and perhaps having a laugh at a death joke would help Marlon tolerate death more.

It wasn't long before the four arrived at where they were headed: a green patch of land adjacent to some trees and a lake. They had a short stare at the surroundings before they exited the car, and Abe lay down the blanket and the food. Two large jars of ants for he and his nephew, and some ham and mustard sandwiches for Claudia and Marlon.

Ah, sitting down by a lake, eating sandwiches with friends. How relaxing and serene and peaceful and picturesque and boring. Boring, however, is what Marlon had been looking for recently, was it not? A while ago, he and his two friends had been sent on a mission to London, and Marlon actually enjoyed his time there...and just when he had gone five whole minutes without thinking about the Avenger Penguins. If he was going to have a day out, he should enjoy himself, so off he went for some paddling in the lake. He was a penguin, he was supposed to like water, but when he saw Claudia giving a strange look, he realised he was acting like a child, and just grinned. Claudia chuckled.

"Ah," said Abe, "Nice to hear some laughter."

"I laugh all the time," replied Claudia, "The world is just one big joke anyway."

"Aw geez," said Marlon, getting out of the water, "She's like that all the time, you know."

"I suppose she would be," said Abe, with Claudia ignoring him. "Say, what's working at a pub like, anyway?"

"I thought you were uncomfortable with my position."

"I'm sorry for what I said...and I...just think we should know each other better..."

"Y'know, the pub actually once belonged to my uncle Morris. Dad always said he was a bit crazy, but I always liked him. He always wanted me to take over after he retired, so after...well, being a 'superhero'...I came back over here and did what he wanted me to. Had to take this really boring course first, but I guess it was worth it, meeting interesting people and all that."

"A thrilling life you have," said Claudia. Marlon cringed.

"And...was it always 'animals only'?"

"Yeah, my family never liked humans that much. I remember hearing about my grandfather disagreeing with the Civil Rights Movement...he didn't push for equal rights for animals, he thought penguins should be the dominant species."

"Imagine if penguins were dominant," said Claudia, "Couldn't possibly be any worse."

"My family were all a bit weird. It's not that I have anything against humans, I just find the alternative easier to relate to."

"Fair enough," said Abe, "What about this being a 'superhero' anyway?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

"They never do, do they?" said Claudia, "Being 'tormented' is in with superheroes, I hear."

"C'mon, we're supposed to be having fun here!" replied Marlon. Both Abe and Claudia nodded, and Marlon went off to play with Aaron for a while.

"Hey there, kid. Long as we're here, wanna do something?"

Aaron sat on the rug, chomping on a handful of ants. "Not really."

"Wanna play...I dunno...I Spy? Something beginning with..." The kid said nothing, but Marlon knew he wasn't wanted. Claudia then approached.

"Kids today, eh?"

"Yeah." Claudia pulled out a scone from Abe's picnic basket and gave it to Marlon. "So we never talk much. What have you been up to recently?"

"Nothing much, but I finally found a new job."

"How is it?"

"OK so far, but I'm betting it will turn out as well as your superhero career apparently did."

"To tell the truth, I don't like being called a 'superhero'. I don't have powers."

"It must take some power to put up with who you usually get at the pub."

Marlon managed a slight laugh.

"You have some bad memories you're dealing with, don't you?"

"Yeah, I guess..."

"Fuck them."

"What?"

"Fuck memories. Fuck them all. What good are they anyway? What matters to me is what's going on now, and sometimes where I'm headed, but memories just screw everything up. Even the good ones just seem to be there to make the bad ones seem worse."

"I can't forget..."

"That's just it, isn't it? They won't let you forget them. They pop up when you don't want them. You're trying to have fun, the memories appear. You're trying to work, the memories appear. Sometimes I just want to take my memories, pound them into..."

Abe and Aaron stared at Claudia. Marlon responded by grinning. "Women, eh?" The anteaters turned away, and Marlon turned to Claudia. "You can be weird sometimes."

Claudia took a series of deep breaths, and forced a smile. "No, we're here to enjoy ourselves, aren't we?"

After the outburst, the rest of the trip was a prolonged lounge about the lake, until Marlon decided to leave, travelling home by himself. A walk and a bus ride later, and he was back home, safe and sound (except for the slight pain he got from something thrown at his head by a punk).

The trip he had with his friends - well, they were something at least - should have given him some time to think and get inspiration, so Marlon thought he'd try and work on his book again. The one about when he was a superhero. Or a hero at least. Or something like that. Whatever he was, he wasn't it anymore. He didn't want to save anyone in this town anymore, let alone the world. Even if it were Claudia or Abe or even Aaron in trouble, he was pretty sure they could save themselves. In fact, he was pretty sure he wouldn't mind if they died. Claudia was full of bullshit anyway. Memories weren't bad. If they were so bad, why did he welcome them? In fact, he was going to have a memory right now.

After Doom bought the farm, Big City became boring. Sure, there came some new villains, trying to leech off Doom's fame, but they all stunk. Trash Can Man, the man of a thousand pieces of rubbish? The Giraffe of Terror? They all were so lame, they repented as soon as they reached the slammer. The one thing they did right was aiding Marlon in realising how silly trying to do the whole 'superhero' thing was. It was so silly, he doubted if he ever did it at all. Still, putting an end to the whole thing seemed necessary, not because of some 'Bluey would probably still be alive blah blah' crap but because he couldn't keep doing it.

Marlon thought back to his battles with Doom, the life-or-death fights with the slug and what came from his 'Monstertron', and laughed. The power of laughter. Memories were good.

He wrote again, taking down the good memories, the slightly less good memories and everything else, and soon, after feeling like he had just got something off his chest, he went to sleep again.

* * *

"Hello, Marlon. You've...grown, haven't you?"

Doom again. Sitting atop a throne in a shadowy room, his fingers clasped in anticipation. Marlon approached, slowly, as his feet got cold from the damp stone floor. "Doom. I know you're dead. Just piss off."

"You idiot!" The creature rose from his seat, hands clamouring for the heavens. "I am the mighty Caractacus P Doom! I can _never _die." Walking towards Marlon, his footsteps echoed. "But that didn't stop you. No, you wanted me dead and you thought you had succeeded, you grave-dancing waste of feathers. Well, look before you and tell me how triumphant you feel now!" Marlon turned away, trying to ignore what was before him. "What about that final battle you wanted? Do I not get the honour of finishing you off. I so wanted to be your little friend's undoing...if it weren't for that _worm_..."

"Shut up!" cried Marlon, fists clenched.

Doom snickered. "You know, dear Marlon, thanks to my new employer, I now know more about you than you want me to know."

"Employer?"

"Yes, would you like to meet him?"

"Yeah," said Marlon, hands on hips, "I would!"

That bothersome feeling of being dwarfed washed over Marlon again, as he saw the shadow adding to the darkness of the room. Forcing himself to look up, Marlon lay witness to a towering draconic creature, its right arm bubbling and squirming, its left arm nothing but yellow bone. The beast crouched down, and its blank white eyes met the quivering penguin.

"Wh-wh-"

"I am Zordrak, Lord of Nightmares," it hissed, its hot breath almost making Marlon sweat. "I see you and my friend have met before."

"I know what this is." Marlon swallowed. "You two are going to give me some corny lectures, and try and weaken me..."

"You're weak enough already," growled Zordrak, rising to accentuate his presence. "All I want to see is a fight."

"A fight?"

"Of course, you violent vermin," said Doom, "I'm so disappointed we didn't go down fighting. Just to be fair, I'll let you have first crack."

"Look, Doom. I've beaten you every time we've met. What makes you think this'll be any different? Just because you have some giant jerk...OW!"

Smoke trailed from Zordrak's finger. "_Just get on with it_!" Not believing he was doing what the dragon wanted, Marlon charged at his nemesis, fist tightening. Before that fist could make contact with Doom's face, the villain took one step to the side, and watched as the penguin fell over. Zordrak and Doom boisterously guffawed, and their laughter, while not as painful to hear as Harry Slime's, still seemed to bore through his gut.

"You feathered freak!" growled Doom, lifting Marlon off the ground. "I know you don't want to kill me, because, then what'd you do?" Marlon was brought closer to Doom, and the penguin could taste the villain's saliva. "But I so do want you to expire. Not a day has gone by when I don't fantasise about your inevitable demise."

Marlon hit Doom between the eyes with his elbow and dropped to the floor. "Don't you ever stop talking?" As he began to run away, he suddenly saw Claudia enter, who seemed more irritated than frightened.

"Oh fuck, not again," groaned Claudia, before she laid eyes on Marlon. "They got you too, eh?"

"Claudia? What are you doing here?"

"Good ques..." Claudia froze, her eyes bulging. Turning around, Marlon saw Doom slowly approach them.

"Would your defeat not be all the more delicious with your friends watching it?" Doom laughed.

"That's...that's..." Claudia's eyes were fixed on Doom.

"What?"

"That's...the most fucking disgusting creature..."

Doom's eyes narrowed. "You will pay for that remark. But not before..." His fingers wrapped around Marlon's neck. "...I do away with your precious bartender."

"Claudia," cried Marlon, struggling in Doom's grasp, "_now_ would be a good time to do something!"

Claudia swallowed. "Put him down!"

"Real brilliant there."

"And are you going to make me?" barked Doom, before Claudia slapped him across the face, freeing Marlon. "Ow, that hurt."

Claudia and Marlon ran together, until Zordrak rose again, blocking their path with his rotting chest. Confronted with the demon, Claudia took a deep breath and asked, "Why the hell are you bothering me?"

"Why? Because you, along with your miniscule companion, are so _succulent_. If my power is ever to exceed that of the Dreamstone, I need minds like yours to feed me." A low laugh escaped his throat, punctuated by some howls of pain, "Oh yes, and that reminds me." He lunged towards Doom. "I seem to have overestimated you somewhat."

"What? I am the mighty Caractacus P Doom! This is my moment of triumph!"

"How someone can see a fool like you as a nightmare is quite the conundrum. There are certainly other, better ways I can torment this penguin other than you."

"Better? Than the most..."

"Enough of your hubris. You are merely to me what Harry Slime was to you."

"How _dare_ you."

A tentacle emerged from Zordrak's right arm, and wrapped itself around Doom, nearly strangling him. This occurrence made Claudia gasp, while Marlon watched with a mixture of trepidation and amusement. A hole opened up in Zordrak's arm, and sealed itself after Doom came tumbling in. After licking his lips, Zordrak turned his attention back towards the two animals, as humanoid shapes squirmed under the flesh of his right arm.

"Marlon," growled Zordrak, "If you barely survived encounters with that incompetent, how do you think you'll survive me and my machinations?"

"He's not afraid of you," said Claudia, "You're not even real."

"He might as well not be real himself," said Zordrak, "Have you not dismissed his life as a joke? Did his battles not seem implausible to you?"

"We don't want to hear your crap. Just leave me and Marlon alone."

A grin crossed Zordrak's reptilian face. "Very well then. There are others that will still provide entertainment. Just remember that my leaving will not be the end of your torment..."

* * *

Marlon awoke in an instant, quickly surveying his bedroom to assure that he was in the real world. At that moment, he noticed how empty his bed was. If only Bella were beside him, just so she could tell him, in her mellifluous voice, that it was all just a dream and everything was going to be alright. She wasn't there, though, so Marlon had to comfort himself. And comfort himself he would.

Throughout the day, he tried to forget the dream, but the voices of Zordrak and Doom still lingered as he opened the pub, stood behind the counter, and waited for customers. It took until the late afternoon before anyone showed up, and how fitting the first customer of the day would be Claudia.

"Hey, Claudia," said Marlon, waving, "I had this weird dream last night...you were in it."

Claudia bit her lip for a second before ordering her usual. "Marlon, you know how I used to mock your stories about the 'Avenger Penguins' and Doom and everything."

"Yes."

"And how I said they were bullshit?"

"Yes."

"Well, now I'm beginning to think that you were telling the truth. I mean, stranger things have happened."


	5. Life's Many Allegories

**Life's Many Allegories**

"Oh, damn it!" said Claudia, as she opened her apartment door by leaning on it. The reason she let such a vulgar remark slip out of her mouth was merely because she felt like it. It calmed her, a little, but not much. Still, she let words like that escape her mouth whenever she could, and they escaped often, as she kept uncovering more and more ways life can be utter crap.

It seemed like she could have enjoyed a lovely summer's day when she woke up and checked the weather report and her window. Today, she planned, she would have a brief reprieve from her glum and gloomy city to go for a jog outside. She kept telling herself she needed more exercise, but she never truly convinced herself to do such a thing. On this surprisingly warm September day, she actually forced herself to embrace the mighty outdoors, even with a sleeveless top and sweatpants. Leaving the city for a while, she actually found herself finding some amusement, even if she was dying for a smoke the whole time. All good things must come to an end, a lesson Claudia had learned a long time ago which still kept biting her in the butt, and her happy jogging was rudely interrupted by a sudden grey sky and torrent of rain. In the grand scheme of things, it was pretty minor, but then again, perhaps it's some great allegory about life itself, you try to look on the bright side of things, but then, boom, stock thunder sound effect, it rains and the bright side fades. Ha! Clever her. For a minute, she thought she should be a philosopher, or she should start on that novel she had always intended to write and find a way to insert it in there. Anyway, the rain had come, and she felt that World-1, Claudia-0 once again. It didn't help that she once again had to endure some skinheads on the way home with their Neanderthal mumblings.

"D..." Realising what she was about to do, she immediately stopped herself. It would just be redundant, dull and constant swearing would negate any points she would be trying to make. Upon noticing she was thinking as if someone was in the room with her, she guffawed at her own stupidity, which she followed with a sigh. After years of searching, she still hadn't found that elusive male caribou that would fall in love with her and take her to his castle. Still people shunned her merely due to the nature of her species. She'd think that her near-unique nature would give her a sense of dominance, that others would marvel at the chance to observe such an uncommon kind of animal. Idiots. Everyone was an idiot but her. That's how she liked to think of things, at least.

After collapsing on her bed, she kicked off her shoes and took a breather. Normally on an evening like this, she would go to her normal bar haunt and have a beer to drown her sorrows, but recently she had tried to tell herself not to go as often as she did. It wasn't like drinking was going to magically solve her problems, and most of the regular patrons were, for lack of a better word, asses. She knew they were fellow anthropomorphs like she was and they had problems just like she did, but when they endlessly blathered on about nothing as if she should care about it, and, in the worst cases, guzzle enough to render them drunken morons, she could only wince in disgust. Was this what the animal kingdom was reduced to? They should be beasts of glory and beauty, not stooping to the levels of the worst humans! A harsh pang elicited itself within Claudia when she thought of herself as one of the many that had contributed to this fall from grace, but it soon vanished. She liked to think she had more restraint. She was a peaceful species...unless someone annoyed her. Ever since ending up here, there were quite a few things that annoyed her.

Staring at the ceiling, Claudia wondered what she should do this evening. Perhaps she could muse on existence and ponder the meaning of life? No way. Go to the pub and have a few drinks? Not in the mood. Instead, she decided to flick on the battered old TV resting in front of her bed and channel surf, while drinking water from a Coke bottle. Vegging out, she heard it being called, and she liked it. Even if she didn't like what was being shown on the television, watching it was enough, and the light-headedness she got from it was refreshing. For a while she forgot her life, and even resisted her cigarettes.

Then the TV turned off.

"What?" Looking up, Claudia saw none other than a rat sitting on top of her TV, donning a tuxedo and holding his snout in the air pompously. Claudia knew that there were rats out there with the same thinking patterns as her, most of them wishing to destroy the dirty garbage-eating stereotype that had hounded them for centuries, and for that, perhaps she should be treating this rat with respect. Yet there was something about this rat that made Claudia feel uncomfortable beyond plague possibilities and filth.

"You have no time to waste watching TV!" said the rat, pointing at Claudia dramatically, "You have work to do! Give me a pedicure! Trim my nails!"

"I'm not your bloody servant, ratfink!"

"I shall have no such impudence, Mary Ann!"

"My name's not Mary Ann!"

"It is if I say it is!"

"Just who do you think you are?"

The rat returned to making a noble pose, adjusting his bowtie. "I am Roddy Saint-James, a very important figure in Wonderland!"

"Is that some sort of theme park?"

"I do not believe you!" To emphasise his point, Roddy tapped his tiny wristwatch. "I'm running late enough as it is!"

"I don't care! You're this close to being a splat under my foot!"

"How dare you! Right, I'm having none of this!" At that point, Roddy did what Claudia wanted him to do. He buggered off. However, he didn't go under the door or through a hole in the wall like Claudia expected, but instead to the bathroom. It felt like he was up to something, or another displeasurable thing, so in Claudia darted to find Roddy floating in the bowl of her toilet.

Eww.

"Well?"

Claudia could only raise her eyebrow at this occurence. "Well what?"

"Flush me!"

"What?"

"Flush me, and I'll be on my way!"

"Whatever you say." Looking at the pathetic specimen with delusions of grandeur floating in the porcelian bowl, Claudia felt like pulling the lever, not because of Roddy's commands, but because of the sense of superiority that would undoubtedly arise from it.

Following the demand, she pulled the lever and Roddy began his twirling descent. A smirk crossed Claudia's face as she watched that pompous little critter circle about, and she was about to return to doing nothing when she noticed the toilet warping in some way. Some kind of force began at work, drawing Claudia to the newly risen vortex, which rose like a vicious serpent.

"WHAT THE FUCK?" Now seemed the perfect time for her to let obscenities slip out of her mouth, as she was engulfed by the vortex which sent her swirling around and around and around until...

Claudia fell in the ocean.

Spluttering onto the sandy shores, Claudia took this as an opportunity to curse some more. She knew there was something up about that rat. She knew it. Thanks to him, she was somewhere weird, and she didn't know where. However, she had to admit, she was breathless. For a place accessed from a toilet, the vast ocean sparkled with a proud purity, under a warm sun standing in the middle of a cloudless sky.

When would the rain come?

Upon landing here, Claudia couldn't help but notice her wardrobe had been changed. Gone were the wet shirt and sweatpants, and now she had found herself wearing a light blue dress with a pinafore, along with white tights and dainty little shoes. Well, it was better than what she could normally afford to wear, so it didn't bother her that much, other than the strangeness of it.

Zordrak. Where was he?

"I say, girl, I say, stop lying around!" Turning her head, Claudia saw a gaggle of various birds. A large rooster stood proudly as if he were their ringleader, and joining him were a small penguin with a fat orange beak, a puffin in a purple top hat and tuxedo and a strange-looking duck in glasses.

"Not exactly much of a looker, are ya?" said the duck, looking over Claudia, "We always get the plain ones, don't we?"

"Mwak!" said the puffin, seemingly in agreement.

"No time for chitter-chatter, son!" piped up the rooster, pointing towards the sky, "Time for our caucus race!"

"Nug nug!" The penguin leapt up in excitement as his beak morphed into a trumpet.

Lifting herself off the ground and dusting sand off her dress, Claudia said her first words upon arriving in this alien world: "What's a caucus race?"

"I say, young lady, you're missing out on something special if ya don't know what a caucus race is! It's where you run around aimlessly for hours!"

"That's it?"

"That's it!"

Just as Claudia rolled her eyes, she noticed that the rooster, the penguin and the puffin had already begun their race, while the duck just stood from a distance and giggled.

"Idiots," grumbled Claudia to herself, feeling like she was repeating herself.

"Tell me about it!" replied the duck, adjusting his glasses that also seemed to be his eyes. "You know, the only reason I hang out with them is that they make me feel less pathetic in comparison!"

Claudia chuckled, feeling she could relate. "Say, this place wouldn't happen to be called Wonderland, would it?"

"Sure would."

"And do you know how to get out of here?"

"No clue."

"Great." That seemed to be the end of the conversation, as the duck resumed watching the idiots be idiotic, and Claudia went off to find that rat to give him a piece of her mind.

Walking away from the beach, she noticed the sand quickly transisted into grass, and soon she found herself approaching a thick forest. Soon she realized that this couldn't be the work of Zordrak; Zordrak's dreams were pretentiously dark and dismal, while the forest was so Norman Rockwell-esque. The beauty of the scenery, as well as the sudden sunlight, caught her attention and gave her an excuse to take in her surroundings, but she quickly turned her focus on finding that rat. This world may have been beautiful, but that rat bringing her here felt like a mockery. He probably brought her here for servitude from the way he was bossing her around back at the apartment.

"Oh, is something the matter?" A rather posh-sounding voice seemed to come from the top of the rather tall tree Claudia had chosen to rest by. Claudia stood on tip-hooves and saw, materialising from thin air, a purple cat, wearing glasses and a huge goofy grin. Seeing a grin like that reminded Claudia of the bar's many jokers who would tell her some e-mail-related joke and expect to be a hero for it.

Desperate, Claudia asked the cat, "Do you know what's going on here?"

"So you're not from around here then?"

"Of course not!"

"You know, we've had a few visitors, but they've always had a reason to come here..."

"Well I don't. How do I get out of here?"

"Why do you want to go back?"

As much as Claudia thought about it, she couldn't really think of a reason. She had only been in this place a few minutes and immediately she preferred it to the place where she had been forced to live. Both places had idiots, but Claudia had to admit, the idiots here were amusing in a way. Seeing the bright sunshine and the jolly animals reminded her of the good old days, when she actually had some optimism and saw good in the world. Oh, those were the days. Everyone actually liked her back then, and she greeted them all with a cheerful grin and maybe a joke. She had friends, a stable job and a lighthearted attitude towards life. She couldn't really remember clearly how it got ruined, but she remembered it being gradual. An insult here, a bad news report there, then it all grew and grew. She certainly didn't really want to think about things like that, so she decided to continue talking with the cat.

The cat had vanished.

Pity. He actually seemed like a nice person. The last nice person Claudia had met was Jeff the fox, and the day after she met him, he was found dead in a gutter. Another of life's many allegories. Life's Many Allegories. That would make a great title for a novel. Yes, there was something she had always wanted to do but never got around to doing. To think of all the unread books on writing she returned to the library. Maybe if she got out of here, she'd draft it on paper, then save up enough money for a computer to type up a polished version.

Oh great. Now she had found herself rambling in her head. All this confusion and the stress that came from it had made her all the more desperate for a precious ciggy, but she doubted she had...wait! Right in the pocket of her new pinafore, she found a packet of cigarettes and a lighter. She knew she should have been suspicious, but her craving was too strong for doubt, so she had one of the magic sticks immediately. Upon taking a puff, a strange sensation washed over her, and it wasn't relief. Within a second, she had shrunk, so now the grass blades towered over her.

Now she had a reason to find a way out: she couldn't even smoke without something weird happening. Perhaps this was Zordrak's doing after all.

"Hee hee! Hee hee!"

Hearing a bout of immature laughter, Claudia's frustration only grew as she looked aimlessly about to find the source.

"Boo!" A flower with a face made Claudia jump a mile. That wasn't all; several of these mutant plants danced around Claudia's miniaturised self.

"Well, look at the little woman!"

"I guess smoking really does stunt your growth!" A joke Claudia had expected the minute she shrunk.

"Shut up!" The flowers only giggled at this demand. So even in Wonderland you can find moronic assholes who think anything is funny. However, Claudia decided she wouldn't let idiots like those flowers bother her, so, moving aside blades of grass as if she were in an overgrown jungle, she tried desperately to find something that may help her. After what seemed like hours of scurrying through rocks and dirt and even more of those stupid talking flowers, she bumped into a mushroom.

"Oi! You watch where you're goin', Miss!" Upon the mushroom sat an orange furry caterpillar with a giant blue nose, smoking a hookah. As much as she treasured her cigarettes, Claudia couldn't really 'trust' one of those things. It would lower her, and lower her anthropomorphic kind a little further.

'As if what you're doing now isn't?' said the little voice within her she wanted to shut up.

"Um, do you know how I can get to my normal size again?"

"Why do ya want to be big? Being my size is very nice! There's some good scenery!"

"But I'm not supposed to be three inches!"

"Then why are you three inches then?"

Claudia opened her mouth to answer, but then sighed instead.

"'Ere. If you're going to be all whiney 'bout it, let me show you how to get tall." Dropping his hookah for a moment, he pointed to his mushroom. "Just eat one side of this, roight, and you'll be well big. But 'nother soide will make you shorter."

"Oh yeah, know anything about a 'Zordrak'?"

"Never 'eard of 'im. Now if you'll excuse me..." After taking another puff of his hookah, the orange caterpillar began to leave.

Although hesitant, Claudia took two pieces from the mushroom, and stared at them. Was this another of life's little allegories, or perhaps, life's little jokes. She knew what 'magic mushrooms' in her world were, but she could not spend another second as a tiny little speck of dust. Hoping to gain her regular size, she took a bite from one mushroom piece, and immediately started to grow. Unfortunately, she seemed to have taken too much, and burst from the trees. Peering around, Claudia took this as an opportunity to see if she could find a way out from this view, but all she saw was that this place was an island of some kind, in the middle of that sparkling ocean. While this didn't give her any clue on how she could escape, she did feel a beam of pride. She just discovered another country! One filled with talking flowers and size-changing cigarettes! Won't the guys at the pub be impressed! Even if they didn't believe her, perhaps they'd praise her imagination, which would make her feel better about herself even if she wasn't really responsible for it. This couldn't be a dream, not even one of Zordrak's. She could feel the damp grass under her feet and the slightly cool winds at her altitude, and she could smell things she couldn't identify. Another country? An alternate universe? Who really cares?

As her plans of surveillance failed, she took a tiny nibble and BOOM she returned to her normal size. Just as she gave a sigh of relief, not wanting to linger on the possibility of being stepped on, she noticed someone was staring at her.

"Hello, my dear!" Standing before Claudia was a rather tall man with messy blonde hair, a large nose and buck teeth like a horse, wearing a long blue coat and a black top hat. "Oh, my dear, you seem so troubled. Pray tell, what is the matter?" Something about this man didn't feel right, just like Roddy, but at least he was considerate, and Claudia knew there were a lack of those in her world.

"Well, you see, I'm not from around here....and..."

"Oh, you must be confused, but allow me to make you feel at home!" To make himself more hospitable to Claudia, he took off his hat and bowed. "My name is Jervis Tetch but you can call me the Mad Hatter!"

"Mad?" Mad either meant utterly angry or utterly insane, both of these things Claudia not wanting to encounter.

"Oh, it's just a nickname! I wouldn't worry!" As the man held Claudia, she did worry, inwardly so as to not incur anything hidden the Hatter may have. Grabbing her furry hand, he took her deeper into the forest, which began to get darker and more ominous until it resembled the type of forest found in ghost stories. The trees stood crooked and bare, the sun had been blotted out by grey clouds and it was all framing a large tea-table in the clearing. Sitting at the table was a sleeping fat panda with a beard and fake mouse ears, which made Claudia chuckle a little, and a short man wearing a creepy mask that resembled the head of a ventriloquist doll, along with fake brown bunny ears and straw on his head.

"Jervis!" the doll-headed man squealed in delight, "You brought us someone to play with!" Claudia couldn't help but notice he had placed piles of sugarcubes in an empty teacup and was playing 'spaceman' with it. Her initial trepidation then became amused eye-rolling.

"Have a seat," said the Mad Hatter, "Let me introduce you to my friends, the March Hare..." He gestured towards the doll man. "...and the Dormouse." Then he gestured towards the sleeping panda.

"Swell," said Claudia, "but really, I don't have time for this!"

"Why not?" asked the Hatter beaming, "Time is on holiday right now! We needn't worry about him!"

Claudia didn't want to respond to that so she decided to make conversation instead. "Um, March Hare, or whatever?" she asked the doll man, "Why do you have straw on your head?"

"I find rolling around in straw very stress-relieving!" The way he talked without his mouth-moving made Claudia fidget in her seat.

"Uh, how?"

"Well, after you roll around in straw, you get straw on your head. Then all you think about is the fact that you have straw on your head and you forget about life's troubles!" The weirdness of this place dominated Claudia's mind, but she still couldn't find it in her to forget her problems.

"Have some wine," said the Hatter.

This made Claudia feel a little better, as she loved wine. A quick look around the table, and she saw nothing but tea things and a milk jug. "Where's the wine?"

"There isn't any!" The Hatter laughed his head off.

"Hilarious," snorted Claudia.

"I don't like her, she's mean!" said the March Hare turning to the Hatter.

"Oh, calm yourself, she's probably had a bad day!"

"Damn right, hat head! First, this stupid rat comes and tries to order me around..."

"Oh..." said the Hatter in a soothing voice, "I've had plenty of bad days, when nobody seems to understand me and everything goes wrong..."

"Me too," said the March Hare.

"But a story always makes me feel better!"

"Goody goody!" cried the March Hare.

"I guess." Claudia usually found reassurance in stories, normally from tattered romance novels she got for 50p or the soaps on TV. People there shared her problems and seemed more relatable than the people she usually met in reality, and it was fun to daydream of gaining the happy endings she had lay witness to several times.

"Wake up!" Both the Hatter and the March Hare had begun to poke the Dormouse-panda until he groggily arose.

"Hey!" snarled the Dormouse in a gruff voice, "What's the big idea! I'm a dormouse, I'm supposed to be hibernatin'!"

"So sorry, my friend," said Jervis with a smile, "But our new friend is becoming irate and I think a story would calm her!"

"Well, get someone else to do it! I've got hibernatin' to do!"

"I don't like how he plays!" The March Hare put his hands on his hips, then had another cup of tea. His mask, however, didn't have mouth holes, so his tea dripped all over his moulded, permanent smile.

"A song then!" piped up the Hatter. "Twinkle, twinkle..." A deep groan escaped Claudia's throat, as she didn't want to listen to yet another rendition of a song she had been pestered with since nursery school. Nevertheless, the Hatter started again, in a cheerful tone. "Twinkle twinkle little bat, how I wonder what you're at!" Not only another rendition, a pathetic parody she could have read in the Beano. The Hatter continued singing, this time in a darker tone, "For you to torment me's a crime..." From his sleeve, he pulled out a knife, which made Claudia's eyes bulge in horror. "But I'll get you this time!" Following that line, the Hatter swiped his knife at his imaginary foe, sending the March Hare into a frenzy, and giving Claudia the perfect opportunity to leave.

"Truly simpletons," said the cat Claudia faced earlier, materialising in front of her.

"Oh, you again."

"How depressing it is that this world is filled with idiots like those three." Claudia turned around for a minute and saw the Hatter and the Hare fighting with cutlery and utensils.

"Yeah." It proved her theory. Everyone was an idiot but her.

"How fortunate for you to come. We are in desperate need of normal people."

"We're in desperate need of normal people where I come from to," replied Claudia, feeling somewhat relieved that she found someone she could somewhat relate to.

"Oh really? You wouldn't mind telling me about then, would you?"

Still feeling she had someone to relate to, Claudia told the cat stories about her life, about her friends, her drinking days and the mysteries of her life. "Yeah, 'times I feel I'm the only normal person..."

"You, normal?" Crawling from behind a tree was the caterpillar, now somewhat larger. "That girl ain't normal, she's a pain in the rear!"

"Arthur," said the cat, "be civil to our guest."

"She certainly wasn't civil to me. Least she could do was say Thank You for the mushroom."

"Her behaviour is quite understandable. She is in an unfamiliar place. You, on the other hand, have no excuse."

"You wanna tell that to my fist?"

The cat and the caterpillar started a rather rough argument, while Claudia ran away. She told herself that running away would be futile, as she was bound to meet up with even more idiots, but she never really found it in her to follow her own advice. The running came to an end when she saw a brick wall blocking the path, which she would have ran into were it not for her restraint. There's an idea. Perhaps she had been brought here because some higher power wanted to test her to see if she really was as restrained as she kept telling herself and if she really was higher than her other animal brethren. The thought that may be a reward gave Claudia a spark of faux excitement.

"You intruding infidel! Get away from my wall!" Right in the middle of that brick wall, sat an egg-like man with red eyes and a thick orange moustache. A sight that made Claudia burst into a fit of mad laughter, which made her realise she didn't laugh enough, and maybe that was why so many people in this place seemed like annoying idiots. She forgot to laugh. "What is so funny, you antlered female?"

"Oh, it's just...you sitting on that wall...you look like Humpty fucking Dumpty!"

"Ah, I see my reputation precedes me! Dr. Humpty Dumpty, future ruler of Wonderland!"

"Well..." Claudia tried to regain herself, "...what are you doing on that wall? Haven't you heard the rhyme?"

"I know nothing of a 'rhyme', but I'll have you know that sitting on this wall will help me take over the cosmos!"

"How?"

"Well, I've tried everything to gain total domination! I've created armies, built weapons of war, everything! But they've all failed! Everything's failed! I've tried everything, but sitting on a wall doing nothing! Therefore, this'll make me the Supreme High Humpty!"

"Whatever." At that point, Dr. Humpty wobbled quite a lot, and his inevitable fate occured. There was certainly a touch of the disgusting macabre to it as he broke in two, revealing a thick yolk, but him wiggling around crying made Claudia laugh some more.

"Help! I've fallen and I can't get up!"

Chuckling, Claudia added, "Well, you're going to have to wait for the king's horses then." Deep down, she knew it was an utterly heartless thing to do, but she also thought that people as stupid as him shouldn't need help. He did say he was trying to take over the world and had armies at his disposal, so him dying would mean the world would be a little better off, an attitude she felt she had picked up from news reports.

Trying to pass off that previous occurrence as some strange hallucination or nothing of consequence, Claudia walked beside the brick wall until she saw it end, and she was led deeper into the forest. At that point, the gloomy weather she noticed at the Mad Hatter's tea party had cleared up, with bright sunshine welcoming her again. Yes, another part of life's many allegories. The rain may fall but it clears up. She should look on the bright side, at least, that's what her old friend Abe had been telling her for quite some time, and, of course, she made a habit of telling hersel that but never following it. How could she see the bright side when her ears were constantly flooded with news of crime and terrorism? How could she see the bright side when she herself had many bad things happen to her, like seeing the blade of a knife or being rejected for being too plain?

She used to be optimistic. She really was.

Just as she was walking down the path and trying to forget her problems by admiring the sun, two figures ambushed her. Well, not ambushed, but what they thought was ambushing, as in, hopping out in front of Claudia and saying "Boo!" Both figures wore propellor beanies and red school jerseys, but one was a tall robot chicken and the other was a small robot with drills for hands. Like the eggman she had just met earlier, Claudia couldn't help but laugh.

"Hey," squawked the chicken-bot, "Don't you dare laugh at us!"

"Yeah," said the smaller robot in a dopey-sounding voice, "You are now our prisoner!"

"D'oh! That was my line, bolt-brain!"

"You always get the good lines!"

Deciding to find the elusive silver lining she had been looking for, Claudia decided to have some fun with these two. "So I'm your prisoner, am I?"

"That's right!" said the chicken, "I'm Tweedle Scratch..."

"...and I'm Tweedle Grounder!"

They said in unison: "The fiercest bad guys in Wonderland!"

"But I'm fiercer!" said Tweedle Grounder.

"I'm way fiercer!"

"Ooh, a chicken! How scary!"

"You think you're intimidating, short fry?"

Seeing these two fight made Claudia groan. This place just wasn't funny anymore, it was dull and not really all that different from home, except for being weirder. As much as she enjoyed the scenery, all Claudia really wanted right now was to go home and shrug this whole thing off as some daydream she had when she was bored and needed escape. Seeing people constantly make fools of themselves wasn't fun anymore, especially when she had had enough of it back home.

"I say, there you are!" Right in Claudia's way stood Roddy, angrily tapping on his wristwatch. "Don't you know what time it is?"

"OK, tell me why you brought me here!" Roddy didn't reply, but instead ran off, making Claudia chase him, in dire hopes that he may be the key for her getting back to where she belonged. With the chase over, Claudia found herself in what could be the most beautiful part of the world she had been brought to: an elegant rose garden, full of intricate sculptures of shrubbery, an array of beautiful plantlife, and a huge fountain in the middle of it all. However, the scenery could easily be ignored when one notes the fact that the plantlife was attended to by living playing cards. Playing cards with flat torsos, yet three-dimnensional heads, arms and legs. While Claudia was initially shocked by this, a sense of familiarity began to arise, as she had won quite a few poker games in her time.

Drawing her attention away from the living cards was a blast from a horn, delivered by Roddy. Hearing this, Claudia darted towards the little rat.

"Tell me how to get home or I'll shove that horn..."

"Silence! The King and Queen of Hearts are due to arrive!" Hearing this elicited that sense of excitement within Claudia. She'd actually meet royalty! A chance none of the other barflies and lowlifes would never have!

And here come the king and queen now! Accompanied by more anthropomorphic playing cards, all hearts, the king and queen entered, both of them donning regal red robes emblazoned with hearts all over. Upon seeing them, Claudia actually bowed, pleased to be in the presence of royalty she never imagined herself meeting, but gasped when she got a good look at the monarchs' faces.

The King of Hearts' face was a clown-like white, with piercing yellow eyes, a hooked nose and a malevolent grin, and the Queen bore a giddy smile, the same clown-white and a domino mask. Seeing these grinning faces struck a chord of familiarity: these were the Joker and Harley Quinn from fucking Batman! Once again, she felt like getting the hell out of where she was, but actually restrained herself. Were she to run away, who knows what those sickos would do to her? Of course, she also told herself that she couldn't just run away cowardly; she'd have thought living in a city full of various muggers and thieves would have given her more courage. Plus, another way to see this situation would be as a joke. Who else but the Joker could run such a nutjob place like this? This place is run by clowns, and many say her country is too! Ha ha! Life's many allegories, life's many jokes.

Blowing kisses and waving, King Joker embraced his adoring public. "Thank you, thank you! Ich bin ein Wonderlander!"

"Icky poo!" Instead of following her King, Queen Harley had wandered over to a rose bush with white roses. "King Jay! This joik planted white roses and I want red!" From this mistake in gardening, Harley stomped her foot on the ground and went into a huff.

"There, there, Harl," said Joker, placing his hand on Harley's shoulder, before using it to point at the gardening card. "Off with his head!" The executioner, the Ace of Clubs, walked over with an axe, which Joker snatched to perform the job himself.

This gory display made Claudia look away in disgust, and it was then her feet took a life of their own. Instantly she darted out of the beautiful garden, until the Tweedle robots blocked her path.

"You can't leave!" said Scratch in a more sinister tone than usual, "This is King Joker's world, bwa-ha-bwa-ha!"

"Yeah, he owns you!"

"Yeah, if you tick him off, he'll wake up!"

Yet again, confusion conquered fear. "Isn't he already awake?"

"No!" said Scratch, "He's dreaming this from Arkham! When he wakes up, this'll all disappear, and so will you!"

"But Scratch, won't we disappear too?" Upon Grounder saying this, the pair began screaming and running around aimlessly as if they were participating in that caucus race Claudia had earlier lay witness to. Watching the pair, she would have dwelt on what they said, if not for Joker and Harley peering over her.

"Ooh, look puddin'!" Queen Harley squealed in her New York accent, leaping on the spot. "It's a cute little reindeer like Santa has!" To Claudia's annoyance, the clown queen pinched her furry cheeks. "Can we keep her, can we keep her?"

A pet? That's all she was? Hearing those words made something boil in Claudia's gut.

"I don't know, poo," said King Joker, "I'd think she'd look good above my fireplace!"

"Pleease!" Harley even had the puppy-dog eyes and little girl grin.

Watching these two talk made Claudia want to do a variety of nasty things to them. She wasn't going to allow herself to be dominated, not by a rat, not by two robots and not even by a comic book villain. No, she wasn't going to idly stand by while some ditz treated her like a diseased, brainless puppy, even with the threat of the Joker.

Immediately an idea popped into her head. An idea that seemed so devious and no better than what the Joker himself might come up with, but she decided to go with it anyway, for the sole reason of 'you only live once'. She remembered packing the two bits of Arthur's mushroom in her new pinafore, and, without a thought spared towards possible consequences, took a bite out of one of the pieces. Within seconds, she grew into a giant once more and towered over the Joker's court.

"Um...King Jay..." Harley stuttered, pointing at the now monstrous caribou. Despite her new height, Claudia could still hear Harley's high-pitched whining, so she did what she felt anyone of her new height would have done; kicked the little creep. Her kick sent Harley flying through the air until she was impaled on a nearby card soldier's spear.

"Harley!" Seeing the grisly demise, Joker actually showed some human compassion, but immediately tried to disguise it with a quick remark. "D'oh well, always plenty more fish in the sea!" With his time for jokes done with, Joker grabbed the executioner's axe once more and ran to Claudia's leg as if it were a tree. His victim's response was to grab his robe and pick him up to her face. Doing so, Claudia felt something she hadn't felt in ages: superiority. All this time of thinking of herself as plain and common, and now she was going to defeat none other than the Joker! The Joker, and by her hands, and not that Batguy's, would he face his ultimate defeat.

It was a long way down.

While she couldn't believe what she just did, doing it felt like a weight had been lifted off Claudia's chest. While nibbling the other mushroom piece, she tried to shrug it off by telling herself it was bound to happen sooner or later, and this was one of the few occaisons she did listen to herself, especially when, upoin shrinking down, she was greeted by cheers and praise. The caucus race birds, the two creepy tea-party guys, the cat and the caterpillar, everyone she had met on this little misadventure stood there cheering her!

"Well, I guess you're not completely worthless after all," said Arthur.

"Good show, dear girl," said the cat, grinning from ear to ear, "Now that you have dethroned King Joker, you can be our new Queen!" Everyone roared in agreement.

Claudia was speechless. Her, a Queen? The Queen of Hearts even? Her, who, mere hours before this, was some common woman with a nicotine addiction and a tendency to drink with the lowest of the low? For a minute, she laughed, not a hysterical laugh like the one she gave Humpty Dumpty, but a laugh of surprised happiness. This was all like a fairy tale: she'd be loved and worshipped until the day she dies, never having to hang around in filthy bars, or walk down crime-infested, grime-smeared streets ever again! She'd be respected, never called 'plain' or even 'ugly' but instead adored by millions for doing something no-one ever really had the guts to do. She'd be loved, just like old times. One of life's many allegories had now been working in her favour: the weak shall inherit the earth.

Still, she knew from the newspapers and what not that being a powerful political figure is hard work and everything, and there was even the slightest chance her new life in Wonderland could be worse than her life in the city, having to negotiate with other countries, controlling wars, and, of course, ruling a world full of utter idiots. Everyone was an idiot but her.

Her worries were silenced for a little while, as the Wonderland custom of clothes changing randomly took effect again, this time dressing her in regal robes proudly flashing the heart symbol, and a sparkling gold crown that sat between her antlers. The crowd of animals and weirdos then took her from the garden, into the white castle that gleamed like crystal, into an elegant banquet hall, illuminated by dangling chandeliers, decorated by tapestries and completed by the feast-strewn table. All this praise and admiration...it made her feel like a celebrity.

But was that a good thing? True, being a celebrity, a movie star or a famous singer had been the subject of many a daydream for Claudia, but she had grown a strong sense of ennui when it came to the real celebrities. She didn't care about actors beyond the characters they played, or singers beyond what she heard on the radio. Even if cheering felt thrilling, she didn't want to turn into an egotistical woman obsessed with fame and while she wanted respect, she didn't want any autograph hounds stalking her. Not to mention her flaws would be publicised as if they were going to annhilate the world. Still, she was the one who would go down in history as the one who once and for all defeated the Joker, which is more than those other air-headed celebrities could say, and no amount of drinking scandals would negate that fact.

Sitting at the head of the table, Claudia observed all the food for her to eat: pork joints, salad bowls, a gigantic cake, potatoes...certainly better than quick microwave meals and McDonalds cheeseburgers she usually indulged in. She liked meat; she knew it was made from animals, but stupid, brainless animals who wallow in their own filth, who she had been compared to more times than she liked and hence she had an excuse to eat their carcasses. As she began to feast, she at first decided to drink from her golden goblet, as this journey had left her parched and she didn't even have anything to drink at the Mad Hatter's tea party. Just as she picked up the goblet, she heard sobbing eminate from it, and saw her drink had a face.

"Don't drink me! Please! I'm too young to be drunk!" So Claudia gently set down her goblet with a surprised expression.

"Oh, don't be minding that!" said Arthur, "It's just a little...whine! Heh, heh, ain't these parties a blast?"

Ignoring the horribly lame pun, Claudia turned to the pork joint, which instantly grew arms and legs and bowed before her. "It will be a pleasure to be feasted on by you, oh mighty queen!"

"You can't be the Queen!" Roddy poked his head out from a bowl of soup, and once again tapped his wristwatch. "There's laundry to be done! Chop chop!"

"SHUT UP!" Escape from previously miserable life or not, Claudia could not bear having to deal with, and rule, these idiots and weirdoes every day. At least the idiots back at her world seemed to make sense! In a attempt to silence the cacophany of incessant inconsistent bickering and loud noises relating to this world's strange logic, Claudia pulled the tablecloth right off the table, making the talking foods scream as they fell to the floor, and the Wonderlandians guffaw as if it were a joke. After pulling off the cloth, it seemed to engulf and cover her as if it were a ghost, sending Claudia tumbling backwards.

However, by the time Claudia got it off, she found it had turned into her duvet cover, and Wonderland had been replaced by her apartment, with the early morning sun shining through the dusty windows. Her regal robes had vanished and become her normal going-out clothes, and she quickly noticed the TV was still on.

It was obvious. She had fallen asleep while watching TV and it was probably what was on at the time that sparked off a dream. But was it hers or the Joker's? Perhaps she didn't really wake up and she was still having a dream? No, she didn't want to muse on philosophy, especially when it sparked from a robot chicken.

It wasn't her dream anyway, it was Abe's. The Joker came from memories of that marathon of Batman: the Animated Series he treated Claudia to and Humpty Dumpty and the Tweedle robots were from those amusing Youtube videos he liked which joked about penises and pedophiles.

Still, she couldn't help but think of Life's Many Allegories. Was the dream meant to be an allegory of some kind? Life is a bad dream? Sometimes the world just doesn't make sense? Be thankful for where you live because there are other places that are much worse?

No, Claudia couldn't care about allegories. Not anymore, anyway. She just changed the channel and decided to treat her mind to a rest.


	6. A Brief Conversation

**A Brief Conversation**

"Hello, guys!" Claudia walked into the pub, and despite shivering from the Autumn cold, she seemed slightly more jovial than usual.

"Hey, Claudia," said Marlon, scrubbing the counter, "You seem cheerful."

After making her way to a stool and sitting down, Claudia said, "Well, I've been thinking...maybe things aren't as bad as I said they were. It's just, I've been saying that I want more from life, and now I'm thinking that perhaps I should just accept things as they are now. I should just make lemonade with the lemons I'm being given now, or something. I've been looking at my Caribou Kitchen days with rose-coloured glasses anyway."

"Yeah, I can relate. So, what'll you be having?"

"Just a Foster's." As Marlon poured her drink, Claudia turned around and saw none other than that bear. Well, that's fortunate. After Marlon finished the creation of the drink, Claudia grabbed it and approached the bear. "Hi!"

"Oh, it's you again."

"Look, I'm sorry if I was a bit rude when we met last," Claudia tried her best to create a friendly smile, "but I just want to talk to you about your adventures. You know, going to faraway lands and meeting wizards and goblins."

"What about them?"

"I think I went on one of those adventures, sometime last week."

"Really?"

"Yeah...'Wonderland', I think."

"Sure." Taking a large gulp of her Foster's, Claudia tried to relate the story of her little visit. "You know, that sounds an awful lot like a certain book."

"I know. Speaking of which, on all your 'magical adventures', did you ever...doubt it was real at all?"

"Are you saying they weren't real, then?"

"No, no...oh crap, I don't know."

"Yeah, maybe...sometimes I do look back and wonder if it were all real, I suppose."

"I wonder about that a lot. There are just some moments that, when looking back, I can't really believe happened for some reason or another."

"You mean, sometimes you doubt if that Caribou Kitchen ever existed?"

"No, I know that was real. I have witnesses. Abe says it existed, Lisa says it existed, and you say it exists."

"But everything else I say is real is actually bullshit, is that right?"

"No...I don't..."

"Is that going to be your answer to everything?"

Once again, Claudia looked up and found Larry eavesdropping. "You know, Larry," said Claudia, "we were just talking about doubting what's real and what's not."

"You mean like the Matrix?"

"_Yes_. Anyway, sometimes I doubt if you're real, Larry. No being can possibly be as stupid as you." Larry actually laughed at that. "Well," mumbled Claudia, "if this is a dream, I hope it's mine and not the Joker's..."

"What was that?" asked Larry.

"Nothing."

"Oh, okay."

"Anyway, I remember bringing a fox here, and I'm beginning to doubt I ever did."

"No," said Marlon, walking up to Claudia, "You did. I remember it."

"Are you eavesdropping, Marlon?" asked Claudia.

"Hey, got nothing better to do. Anyway, you were talking about 'doubting reality'?"

"Yes."

"Oh, geez..." Marlon scratched the back of his neck. "I was chatting with Rocky on Skype the other day, I asked him about the Avenger Penguins...and he said I was talking out of my ass."

Claudia remembered the image of Caractacus P Doom, the obese gargoyle of Marlon's nightmares. "Didn't you say he was a dipshit though?"

"Yeah, I could never trust him to remember anything. But it was such a big part of our lives, how he could say it wasn't real?"

"Maybe he was just dicking around."

"You really think he'd dick around for...oh, forget it." Marlon walked back to the counter, and the bear began to leave.

Claudia shrugged. "Well, that was a waste of time."


	7. A Christmas Story

**A Christmas Story**

Christmas again. A thought that both surprised and bored Claudia as she pondered it. The surprise was in how quickly it came, as she remembered her childhood Christmases and how long it seemed to take for that precious day to come her way. The boredom came from...well, Claudia didn't know where that came from. Call it maturity, call it cynicism, but now Christmas gave her the same ennui any other day gave her. So off she went to find the root of this feeling. She was a caribou, and caribou were sorta like reindeer, so shouldn't she have some Christmas spirit? Then, she thought, bollocks; if anything, Christmas is promoting the slavery of her brethren, glorifying the image of them pulling the sleigh of some fat git. It was a depressing thought, but still one that made her giggle a little.

Then she remembered that little incident, when she was still working at the Caribou Kitchen, around Christmas time. It concerned Tom the Tortoise, that nice old waiter that worked with her, and loved greens so much. A little on the slow side maybe, as Lisa the Lemur complained, but still a joy to have around. It was at a time when the restaurant was all decked out in tinsel and holly, where she had begun to worry about him. It wasn't like him to be late. A quick visit to his happy home confirmed the worst: he had died in his sleep. Such a thing seemed unbelievable; Claudia was certain that tortoises had a longer lifespan than most animals, and this led her on to wonder if Tom had been involved in anything he had not been telling her about. She remembered attending the funeral in December, and noticing how things weren't the same without him.

She didn't really have the heart to replace him, which was why Lisa promised to do twice as much work...about a month before she up and quit. After that, Penny the dog offered her services, but she didn't do much; she was usually caught chatting on her mobile when she should have been serving (apparently Larry was her brother, go figure). It didn't really matter all that much, because, with factors like the new Starbucks across the road, the Caribou Kitchen started losing business. Claudia and Abe kept working, even when nobody came, but when some yobs burst in and wrecked the place, they knew it was time to call it quits.

Recalling such an event left her with what felt like a huge black hole emerging in her gut, which she found herself trying to fight. Still, she felt tears dripping from her eyes, and tried to deny their existence. Sure, Tom was such a good friend, but everyone dies whether we want them to or not. For all she knew, she could die the next day and it wasn't like she was clinging on to her life anyway.

Maybe she had only herself to blame for her lack of Christmas spirit; who thinks about _death_ at Christmas anyway? Once again, she laughed to herself - laughed _at_ herself. You silly old thing, you. It's Christmas - lighten up! What's not to like about it? Abe will get you a nice Christmas pressie, you'll give him that gift certificate he doesn't mind getting, and either go round to his place or stay at home making merry herself. It was the latter option this year, so she felt she might as well make the most of it. She should be happy - no, not just happy. Silly.

Silly is fun.

From under her desk, she took the little Christmas gifts she bought herself: a four-pack of store brand cola and a CD of cheesy covers of cheesy Christmas songs. She might as well make some noise, as she could clearly hear some pounding and idiotic guffawing from the room next to her. Plus, she found that, while not as addictive and beckoning as beer, cola always seemed to make her happier. In no time at all, as another rendition of 'Another Rock and Roll Christmas' played on her radio, she gulped down the entire bottle, and, though it may have had more to do with her hopes than the drink, she felt much happier and...sillier. In fact, she turned off the radio and thought for a minute that she should create her own Christmas entertainment, and she started by singing Christmas carols on her own. _Silly_ Christmas carols:

_Jingle Bells,  
Darkwing smells,  
Launchpad laid an egg,  
The Thunderquack burned and crashed,  
And Quackerjack got away!_

She couldn't help but sing it thrice more, as there was something about how the words that filled her with glee. Sure, she knew singing Christmas carols with words like these were childish, but that was part of their charm. Just as she was about to sing the song about shepards washing their socks, she thought of another way to bring herself some festive entertainment. She'd write a story.

Yes, in fact, this was something she needed to do. There was a novel she had been procrastinating on, and maybe this was the way to get the juices flowing. She'd write a goofy Christmas story, have a few laughs, then regain herself to work on the novel, which she still hadn't thought a bloody title for. After grabbing a piece of paper and a pen, she scribbled what came to mind.

_Randall the Deformed Reindeer_

The title made her chuckle, and she thought the thing would write itself.

_One Christmas Eve in Santa Land, the reindeer were all happy and cheering, for their rounds were over at last! They were all sick and tired of pulling that lardass around, and they even had to deliver the presents while he just stood around, hogging all the glory. But now their rounds were over and they were ready to hit the bar and get drunk and party like there was no tomorrow. In ten minutes, all the reindeer were drunk, dancing around on the pool tables and hitting on the female reindeer. One particular reindeer, Blitzen, managed to successfully hit on a cute girl called Vixen, and managed to take her back to his stable for some 'reindeer games'._

_Unfortuneately, there was no protection, so Vixen ended up pregnant. She wanted an abortion, but Santa wouldn't let her; he thought that it would ruin the jolly nature of his land. So, she spent an unhappy nine months until she gave birth to a son, who was born horribly deformed. His deformity? A big red nose! It shone real bright like neon and passing aircraft crashed due to it blinding pilots. So, due to this, he became a social outcast, with his schoolmates dunking his head in the toilet and cornering him in the school hallways to deliver a beating..."_

Claudia stopped for a minute, as she remembered how she was treated back in her school days. So, was the story a failure, as it was supposed to make her forget reality? Claudia immediately decided to try and remedy that by putting in the first thing that came to her head.

_Thankfully for Randall, he could use the light of his conk to blind his enemies, satisfying his sadistic urges. Yet it was still not enough for him; he wanted acceptance and respect. He considered corrective surgery, but Santa had gotten rid of that in his realm as well, in case a lesson in tolerance needed to be taught. The fat git was a sucker for morality tales, but, sadly, Randall's classmates were not._

_So one Christmas Eve Eve, Randall vowed that he would show his peers how he really was. He would go out and perform a daring feat of bravery, and he knew just how to. He knew that Santa had a list of places that he vowed _never_ to visit, so Randall thought if he stole that list and delivered presents to all the places Santa was afraid to, the other reindeer would see him as a hero._

_Snatching the list and a sack of toys, Randall set out, using his reindeer powers to fly all over the world to find the places Santa feared to tread. His first stop was at a trailer park, where he sang a carol in hopes of rousing up some Christmas cheer._

_"We wish you a Merry Christmas, we wish you a Merry Christmas..."_

_"Shut the hell up!" came a voice, followed by a beer bottle right to the face._

_"Well!" said Randall, "You've been a naughty boy, here's some coal!" And he got that piece of coal shoved right down his throat. Upon hearing a rather plump woman try to hit on him, he flew off, hoping he'd have better luck on the next place on the list..._

Realising a smidgen of reality had seeped into her work, Claudia thought of something outlandish: _It was the house of a doctor. Randall was confused at first, thinking doctors were good people, until..._

_"Ah, brilliant! The perfect subject for my experiment!"_

_"What?"_

_"I have a theory that reindeer entrails are the perfect fuel for my peanut-destroying laser gun! I never trusted those peanuts..."_

_Randall quietly snuck off to the next place on the list. The thought to give this up occurred to him, but the desire to prove himself made him press on, even if doing so meant going to the home of famed aristocrat Lord Snootington._

_"I say, how amusing! A reindeer with a nose like a lightbulb! What a freak of nature! Ha ha ha!"_

_"That's gonna get you a lump of coal, you know."_

_"I don't mind, because I'm fabulously wealthy! And you're not, nor will you be! Ha ha ha!"_

_Deeply hurt, Randall thought of quitting, but decided, no, he had to show that he was more than just a freak of nature. So after breaking Lord Snootington's neck, he travelled to his next destination._

_However, he'd wish he had given up when he found out his next stop was __**SUPERJAIL**__!_

_Poor Randall met up with a creepy robot who knew that he had stolen the sack of toys from Santa, and thus had to be taken to Superjail! "Oh goody!" squealed the warden, "I like a good variety of species in my prison!"_

_Before the top-hat wearing one could lock him up however, Randall escaped, and, still driven to prove his worth, flew to the next stop on his list, where he was mugged and forced to hand over the sack of toys to a group of punks (who tried to get high from burning the coal they were given)._

_Head hung low, Randall returned to Santa Land, where Santa waited for him with a furious look on his face. "I'm not always jolly you know..."_

"So, how does Santa punish Randall? Maybe with a chainsaw? Or maybe now the _world explodes_! Or maybe Randall turns into a robot and...oh, damn it." Claudia's sudden burst of joy seemed to fade as she felt self-doubt attack her, making her think the same old 'is this what I've become' feelings. Those feelings no longer tore her soul apart, but annoyed her. 'Oh, Claudia, being born deformed is a serious issue and your crappy story trivialises it...' Well, it's not like anyone else's going to read it and she had fun, isn't that what was important, especially at Christmas? She wanted to have fun, but those damn bad feelings always got in the way. They're worse than Larry and his limericks.

Looking at what she had written, accompanied by stick figure drawings of the characters, she decided to fold it up and place it in her coat pocket. Maybe it'll make her feel better on bad days, or maybe not. With that, she spent an amount of time doing nothing, before going to bed to wait for the inevitable.


	8. Too Many Thoughts

**Too Many Thoughts**

No matter what happens, things will always be better if you wear a smile on your face.

Memory can be strange at times; this little tidbit of information Dad told me at one time just popped into my head one day. Once it managed to re-enter, it was difficult to get it out. Once it made its home in my brain, it turned into an odd sort of creature: a thought that you don't like thinking about but still want in your head anyway. Certainly there have been a lack of smiles, even after I feel things around here have improved somewhat. It's just a little improvement, but still noticeable. I've been thinking I should smile more, and just be happy with what I've got. Oh, I think I just remembered another of Dad's sentiments. It was appropriate I did too; only now I realise that my pining for something new was just asking for trouble. Maybe ending up in this apartment and city was an answer for an earlier wish for something new, I don't know.

After much thought, I've decided that I have much to be happy for. My new job actually pays well, my usual pub now has a jukebox (thanks to Marlon winning that court case, I've finally got a start on my novel and I've started to realise I could do without a 'special someone'; I prefer sleeping without some sweaty, hairy thing besides me, and I don't have to worry about kids. I like children, but they're better in small doses.

Wear a smile on your face. Be happy with what you've got. Those philosophies I tried to keep in my brain that night, for it was New Year's Eve. A New Year meant new possibilities and opportunities, and, more importantly, parties. Parties are magical little things where you can lose yourself and act like an idiot and listen to music and all your troubles disappear. One of these magical rituals was to be held at my favourite pub, which I suppose is only my favourite because it's really for us animals. There's something about humans I don't like, so their absence is refreshing. Plus, the drinks are cheap. Sure, I promised myself that I'd drink less, but the beers I intended to have were 'fun beers', their purpose in being ingested to enjoy the party more, not to drown sorrows or anything in that area.

I set off to the pub wearing a black party dress I dug up from the bowels of my closet, and I actually found the cold nighttime breeze rather refreshing, which certianly made me feel more comfortable. Upon opening the door, I was greeted by disco lights and dance music, which instantly transformed what is normally a drab, depressing place into a wonderland of enjoyment. In fact, I felt my head seemingly bobbing by itself as I walked up to the counter to see Marlon, cleaning a glass and still wearing a cast from the incident that made him a few more quid. In spite of his condition, he welcomed me with a smiling beak. The holidays bring out the best in us, I suppose. "Hey, Claudia, happy new year!"

All I could say in reply was, "Happy New Year to you too."

Still more cheerful than when I usually see him, he asks me, "How's things?"

"Oh, they're going fine. I've actually managed to keep a job this time, which is nothing short of a miracle."

"Yeah...and how's that novel coming along?"

"I'm actually getting on fine with it. It's going to be a thriller; I mean, isn't that what everyone's reading these days?"

"Meh. They're a bit too 'smarty pants' for me. Fact, I don't read much books at all."

"Suppose I don't blame you."

"You want the usual?"

"Actually, I'd like a coke, you know, just to make sure I'm still awake at midnight."

The penguin handed me a glass of Pepsi, and I decided to take this opportunity to socialise. Despite the pumping music, none of the (so very few) people danced, instead sitting around and drinking. They seemed rather depressed, so I thought over the possibility that I may turn their frowns upside down. However, I chose to sit next to a character with a seemingly fixed smile, a little orange...thing. As I got closer, I couldn't help but notice he had a zip on his mouth. It diosturbed me a little, then I thought that it was some odd new piercing. People are always doing things like that, I suppose to make them feel special. Maybe someday they'll realise that since there are so many people doing stuff like this, it isn't really unique at all.

"Oh, hello," said the orange thing.

"Hi."

"My name's Zippy." Real original there.

"I'm Claudia."

"Hey, are you a reindeer? Like one of Santa's?" That question always annoys me, but I didn't show it.

"Kind of. I'm a caribou."

"A cari-what?"

"Oh, I don't want any nature lessons on _New Year's Eve_."

We would have talked some more, but Zippy's attention was drawn somewhere else, as another song (I think it was Scissor Sisters) started. "Oh, oh, I love this song! Did you know I'm the best singer in the world?" Then he let loose a horrific cacophany that sounded like a giant rat with a mouth full of Ready Brek. Just as I was about to put that zip on his mouth to great use, I noticed this proved my theory; everyone is an idiot but me. That made me smile.

However, I could only let out a gigantic, yet internal 'Oh no' as I saw who waltzed through the front door just then. Tricky. Tricky the bloody green dragon.

"Hey!" he called out with a grin and voice that seemed to say everything about him. Maybe deciding to be cheerful wasn't such a good idea after all.

Deciding to thankfully put an end to his caterwauling, Zippy turned to Tricky. "Oh, hello."

"Hello, Tricky," is all I could say.

"Hi, Claudia!" he said, still happy. Holidays bringing out best etc. He seemed rather upset when I said it wouldn't work out between us. And why should it have? I guess I really only approached him out of some sense of desperation, plus dating a dragon would feel rather 'exotic'. We went to the movies once, and I suppose I had an average, but enjoyable time. Later meetings...well, let's just say he was irritating and leave it at that.

Zippy snickered at our reunion. "So you know each other? Are you in _love_?" Was he really old enough to drink here?

"Here, Tricky," I said to my old friend, "I found you a soul mate." And what do you know? They actually seemed to get along.

"Hello, I'm Zippy! Hey, hey, since you're a dragon, can, can you breathe fire?"

"Of course!" The guy let out a puff of smoke there and then, causing Marlon to leap behind the counter.

"Whoa!" Another song. "Oh, oh, I like this song!"

"Hey, hey! I like it too!" The orange thing and the green thing then began a duet that gave me a good idea of how singing must sound in Hell. Nonetheless, I thought I'd join them, probably just because it wasn't like I wasn't going to get another chance to do so. The other toons actually clap and laugh at our trio, begging for more. Well, I always wanted to go into showbiz. After about fifteen minutes of ruining some perfectly good songs, we collapsed onto our seats, and like a bunch of schoolkids, we laughed. Tricky's laugh is grating, but I hardly noticed.

"We really should have done stuff like that when we were going out," said Tricky. Zippy tried to stifle a giggle.

"It's only because it's New Years. After this I'm going to be a grumpy old battleaxe again."

"You know, you're kinda funny, Claudia."

"No, no I'm not..."

Zippy piped up. "She's not as funny as me! Listen: two cows are in a field. One said, I'm worried about mad cow disease, and the other said, I'm not. It doesn't affect us giraffes!" The two idiots laughed.

I've never liked jokes of that caliber, but I decide to join in anyway, in whatever way I can. "I'm actually wandering if they actually _were_ giraffes and the first was actually the mad one? Anyway, um...what do you call a can of Pepsi, a can of Coca Cola, and a can of fizzy orange? A _pop_ group! Ha."

"Oh," said Zippy, "That was awful. I mean, I'm much better at telling jokes, yes!"

"Yes, yes, I suck. Go toot your own horn."

"Oh, don't mind her," said Tricky, "You're quite an entertaining fella."

"Yes, I know."

After a few minutes of ignoring the two, another strange guest arrives. This creature is of a kind rarely glimpsed here - a human. Well, vaguely human. His pointed nose and yellow eyes behind glasses made me think of those bird things from _Dark Crystal_. The ringmaster's costume he wore only made him seem all the more hideous. Maybe hideous was too strong a word, maybe just...'pathetic'. Something about him seemed pathetic.

"Should he be here?" I asked Marlon, knowing he felt the same for humans as I did.

"Let him drink," was the penguin's response.

"Thanks," said the man, turning towards Marlon, "Hey! A penguin!"

Marlon gave a sour but amusing expression. "Yes, and the sky is blue. Now what'll you have?"

"A Foster's please." After gaining his drink, he turned towards our little 'party' and became as excited as a hyperactive child. "_Zippy_!"

"Why, yes, that's my name! See, you two, I'm famous!"

The ringmaster's smile grew even wider. "I'm famous too! The Great Bruzzini, master of the world's greatest circus! I trust you've heard of me."

"No," was my appropriate reply. The response vanquished his smile, which filled me with a sense of satisfaction, despite how easy it was. Slowly replacing his smile was a fierce grimace that made it look like he was going to strangle me to death, but that was quickly replaced by yet another smile, showing off a display of green teeth. "Well, it's New Years, let's party!"

The guy had more money than I thought he would have, so he bought a round of drinks for himself, Tricky and Zippy. None for me, but I guess I could see why.

"I loved your TV show, Zippy," said Bruzzini, "It made me who I am today. Three fat sausges sitting on the wall..."

"Wait," said Zippy, "I have a TV show? I mean, I'd like one, and I definately deserve one..."

"Where did you come from, anyway?" Tricky asked Bruzzini.

"Actually," Bruzzini started wiggling his fingers, "I think I fell into another dimension somehow!"

"You don't need to tell us you're not from this planet," I said.

He didn't pay any attention. "I mean, I got up one morning and everything seemed normal." The recounting of the event was told like some poor attempt at a ghost story. "It took me a while to see it, but everything then became..._different_. Then I slowly see..._my favourite cartoon characters!_"

The man's away with the fairies, and it reminded me of Henry's Cat.

"Whoa. Sounds like Doctor Who!" said Tricky.

"It's the honest truth," said Bruzzini, "and I've always wanted to be a sci-fi hero!" To emphasise this, he leapt onto the table and made 'peow' noises while making his hand into a gun.

A laugh escaped Zippy's throat. "I'm the evil Zippoid, here to beat you." Tricky even joined in a bit, while the other drinkers watched and laughed.

Sometimes, all I can find myself to say is just 'Boys'. Even though it was New Years' Eve, all this horseplay just made me want to go for a fag. I stepped outside, and relished the cooling night air. After taking out a ciggie and lighter, _yet another_ mysterious figure arrives, this one wearing his mysteriousness on his sleeve. A man in a trenchcoat and fedora, with his face hidden.

"_Hello._"

"Are you a fucking flasher or something?"

"_No, Claudia, I'm on a mission."_

"Sure you are. Wait, how'd you know my name?"

"_I've been watching you._"

In response to this, I can only slap him right in the face, and make him collapse to the gutter. I probably should have called the police, but I couldn't be bothered. Guys like him were certain to be busted sooner or later, and I just wanted to go home. I can count down to midnight by myself, thank you very much, and I was certain Bruzzini, Zippy and Tricky wouldn't even miss me. Pictures of them giggling like retarded donkeys entered my brain, and made me laugh too. Maybe I should be happy with what I've got.

* * *

_An evil laugh escaped Claudia as she looked over her plan, feeling nothing but anticipation. Anticipation which made her twirl around and leap across the room just like an excited child waiting for their birthday. Her twisted mind saw no reason why this plan couldn't work, especially since her irritating nemesis should have been shark food by now._

_Well, should have been._

_The hero, appearing in a majestic yet sinister shadow, burst through a window and kicked Claudia right in the face, knocking her over on her back. "Has your mother ever told you not to beat up women?" In response to this corny remark, the hero knocked Claudia unconscious, and tied her up for the police. Afterwards, he destroyed her evil machine in a spectacular explosion, ending her reign of horror and evil for another day._

No, wait, I'm not an evil genius. I'm not a megalomaniac. I'm just Claudia. I'm just me. Hey, wait, what's this door?

After opening that door, I find myself in another science fiction laboratory, with buzzing machines and bubbling test tubes. At first it seemed empty, but, instantly, a goblin-like man with green skin and multiple spectacles on his elongated conk began dancing around the test tubes like a caveman.

"Urpgor! You are a _genius_!" I hid behind one of the odd machinery as he began a succession of spasms. "Never before in the history of Viltheed has there been...such a _marvel_! Sure, Zordrak'll take all the credit but where would he be without _you_?" With that, he leapt into the air and tightly hugged himself. "You beautiful thing! You wonderful man!" Here, I had the urge to laugh but suppressed it. "Isn't that right, Claudia?"

"Oh fuck." The thing grabbed me by the scruff of my neck and brought me out of hiding.

"He says you're very amusing!" Loosening his grip on me, he hopped about the room, giggling like a hyena on crack. "He is a bit miffed that you want to stop his plan though!"

"But I don't want to stop his plan, whatever it is. I don't give a shit!"

"He's waiting for you, you know!"

"Well, tell him to piss off then."

"You better not talk to him like that! Lemme show you two people who _did_!"

I turned around, and saw what looked like two green ewoks laid on a table, making strange noises. Stitches adorned their foreheads.

"Oh...fuuuck..."

"They dreamed too many nice dreams! Zordrak doesn't like..." More spasms. "_Nice_ dreams! So we 'ad to get them out! It wasn't easy!"

"Wha...oh, fuck it. Where's Zordrak?"

Another door . Which leads to none other than Marlon's pub. Not exactly that, but something like it. The layout was the same, only everything was splattered with a monochrome pallet, the tables seemed to be made out of bone and rock, and, of course, groups of creatures in armor at the tables, swigging around steins of beer. At the counter stood Zordrak, smaller than he usually was, holding an empty pint glass in his skeletal hand. "Come over here, Claudia," growled the beast.

Ignoring the leers of the spotted orcs that populated this nightmare pub, Claudia did as Zordrak asked, noticing Abe sitting on a stool by Zordrak. "Abe!"

"Claudia!"

"I thought you might like your little friend here to keep you company."

"Oh, shut it, you're not scaring me!"

"Even though all that is wrong with your life, everything you depise, is because of me?"

"What are you talking about?"

"Your world is not real, you see."

"Not this again."

"Yours is a world exisiting in a brain. It wasn't supposed to be how you see it today. There wasn't supposed to be all this depression and cynicism. Your world was supposed to be a cheerful place, where any problem could be solved in ten minutes. Where everyone was friends, and there was always a good, zany time to be had.

"But now your world is going to be a subject of a little test. My associate Urpgor has created a machine that is now twisting your world into my image. Saccharine fantasy worlds are so _easy_ to remould. Now the inhabitants of it will have more and more nightmares, feeding me until I am powerful enough to destroy the Dreammaker and the Land of Dreams."

Abe shuddered, but Claudia stood still. "You do know how retarded you sound?"

"I should destroy you right now for your impudence," snarled Zordrak, "but I want you to see your world _rot_. Soon, it will become worse than Hell, and 'sweet dreams' will cease to exist!" I turned away from him to look for the door, which had vanished. "Ah, think you could destroy my machine and make everything alright?"

"Actually I wanted to get away from your blathering!"

"How cute. You aren't going to stop me, in fact, you're _helping _me!"

"Just piss off!"

Zordrak grabbed Abe with his skeletal claw. "Come closer and I'll kill your big-nosed friend. Just think, if he dies horribly, it'll be your fault!" I just stood there. "You think everyone's an idiot except you, but you are so foolish. That's what makes you amusing."

"Let him go."

"That's what I mean. You think I'm really gonna let him go? You actually believed me when I said I'd leave you alone in that penguin's dream? I know you Claudia, you're just a scared, _pathetic_ little child hiding behind a facade, wanting everyone to think you smart to compensate for how you truly are."

"Well, you're a pretentious asshole."

"I really do think you'd contribute well, Claudia."

* * *

What the hell? What the hell. My exact thoughts when waking up from that dream. Then again, I suppose that's dreams for you. They're weird just for the sake of being weird. Why blow money on DVDs of David Lynch movies when you have something just as good?

It was about a few days after the New Year's party when some bobbies came to my apartment.

"Hello?"

"Yes, we heard you were with Zippy Zipperton and Tricky Dragon the night of their disappearance."

Zippy's friend George had reported that Zippy hadn't come home after his New Year's bash, and further investigation saw a disappearance of Tricky. Since I was with those two the night of their disappearance, they came to ask me a few questions.

"Well...I didn't have anything to do with it...I think..."

"We're not saying you did, we just want to know what went on that night."

"Uh...okay then...I'll try..."

I told the policemen what had happened, they thought my story checked out and left. After their departure, I turned on the TV in an attempt to forget what transpired, but tiny specks of it still lingered in my head. When something like that just pops into your life like some evil fairy godmother, it's pretty damn hard to forget. Part of me thinks this is a good thing, as I don't have to endure those morons anymore. Did I somehow wish them out of existence? Did somebody hear my internal pleas of irritancy and smite them? No, I had nothing to do with it. Knowing their brains, they were probably lured into a kidnapper's lair with false promises of candy floss. Then I had thoughts that I'm a very naughty person for thinking such things about two people in danger, and I should probably be racing to their rescue. Then I thought no I shouldn't, the police could take care of it themselves.

Those two dorks aren't people I should worry about. I shouldn't worry about anything really. People have worse problems. Keeping those thoughts in my head made my day a little easier to bear.

Then the next day I watch the news and I see that my usual pub, the place I spent that New Year's party, had been reduced to a smouldering fossil in an apparent arson attack.

"Well, at least I managed to get everyone out," Marlon said in the interview, looking as if he was going to cry, "but, this still feels like kind of a blow. That place was all I had...I tried to put the fire out but it just kept on growing...nobody there that was there saw who it was..."

My first thought was 'Glad I wasn't there.' My second being 'Glad everyone got out alright' and the third; 'Poor Marlon.' Now that the guy no longer had his 'adventures', all he had was that pub. He just wanted to make his animal friends happy and some ass comes along and burns it. Poor Marlon. Poor Zippy. Poor Tricky.

No, no. Fuck them. Why should I care about them? It's their problem, not mine. What are they expecting me to do? Zoom to their rescue and catch the culprits? No, they aren't expecting me to do anything. And I shouldn't. It's utterly unrealistic to think I should...but they're friends sort of, and friends are in such short supply at the moment...

And what was that Zordrak said about making the world 'worse than Hell'? Is this the beginning of the world rotting? No, the world's fucked already, and Zordrak isn't real, but Tweedle Scratch said I'm not real either...

Crap crap and double crap. My mind was so cluttered it's a surprise there was room for anything. Last thing I needed was to ponder upon stuff I didn't want to ponder upon, so I decided to take a walk, as a last attempt to make myself feel better. After putting on my coat and stepping outside my flat, I tested myself to see if I could walk so far I'd end up in another part of the town. It took about an hour of ignoring the hobos, the raving skinheads and everyone else, but I ended up in a more inviting street, with a lack of police sirens and graffiti, and a row of shops. Despite having little money on me, I browsed a few, and saw some dresses that would suit me but I didn't buy them. After exiting a Marks and Spencer, I saw no other than Abe the Anteater on a bench, finishing off his McDonalds milkshake.

"Hi," I said to him, and he looked at me with an expression of pleasant surprise.

"Hi, Claudia. Well, how've you been?"

"Well, let's just say the year hasn't got off to a good start."

"I heard about what happened to the pub, and Tricky. I'm sorry."

"Really, I thought you'd be happy about the pub burning down, considering how many times you nag at me that drinking won't solve my problems."

Abe rolled his eyes. "Yes, Claudia."

"So, um, I don't really want to talk about that."

"I wouldn't think you would."

"So, how've _you_ been?"

"Well, yesterday, I've been a little concerned about Lisa."

"Lisa?" Yes, Lisa.

"It's Lyle. She says he's been going out without telling her where he was going, and doesn't come back until the early morning. Yesterday she called me and said that when she asked her husband where he was going at night, he struck her across the face and laughed at her."

"Wow. I mean, I was at their wedding and when I saw him, the guy was a right goody goody. This is unlike him."

"I know. She's thinking of calling the police, but she's unsure because she still loves him."

Zordrak? Did he somehow affect Lyle? "She really should get the police. That would really help the both of them."

"I tried to tell her that, but she hung up before I could."

"That's terrible. Look, I really think we shouldn't be talking about this. Can't we change the subject?"

"Claudia, Lisa's our old friend and..."

A scream instantly dominated the area, and just as we are about to investigate, a huge shadow leapt down and knocked Abe to the pavement. After hearing Abe's yell of pain, I stared at the creature and gasped. The thing stood eight foot tall with a powerful figure, but the feature I most focussed on was its grin. Its toothy, demented grin.

The creature seemed to chuckle in an amused way at my vulnerability, but I felt no fear. Something seemed to destroy any thoughts of being afraid, perhaps Abe's present pain, or perhaps this thing kidnapped Tricky and Zippy and burned down the pub. Whatever it did, it was obviously from Zordrak. As it neared me, its claws and jagged teeth beared, something within me made me kick it right in the legs. As it stumbled about, I saw that it wasn't as tough as it previously seemed to be, and slugged it right between the nose. The grin still lingered. After regaining itself, it swiped at me, but I ducked and rolled over on the pavement. As I got up I saw it pounce on Abe again, and before I could stop it, it disappeared.

Abe lay dying.

"Jesus!" I ran to my friend, choking on his own blood and staring at me with eyes struggling to stay open. "Abe!" All that escaped from his mouth were miserable gutteral sounds, which continued until his eyes finally closed, and he lay motionless. Motionless.

No, no he can't be dead. This was just another of those crazy dreams. Monsters just don't pop out of nowhere and kill people. Any minute I was going to wake up and say 'What the fuck' like usual. Then came the slow, mocking feeling that this wasn't a dream and Abe really did die, so all I could do about it was run back home. Yes, run back home and try to forget all of this ever happened. Ever happened. Fuck Abe, fuck Lisa and Lyle, fuck the Caribou Kitchen, fuck Tricky and Zippy, double fuck Zordrak. They never existed.

As I ran back home, and the stench wafting through the air reminded me I was back where I belong, I felt a little tingle down the back of my neck. Just a little turn around and I see the grin again. I punch it by instinct, and it's the last thing I remember before...

* * *

Slowly, I started to wake up, although my eyelids preferred to remain closed. Even though my bones seemed to ache from tiredness, I felt a tingle of hopeful relief. Abe's death _was_ just a dream. He's still alive and back home safe and sound.

That tingle is destroyed in an instant when I opened my eyes.

I found myself in a house of some kind, where the walls were painted an almost blinding white, but all the furniture and everything else seemed to be normal. Almost normal. They looked just like something from a catalog, yet there was something 'off' about them. Maybe _because _they looked just like something from a catalog. Before I could explore any further, I noticed what I was wearing. Red apron. Red hat. Red high-heels. My old Caribou Kitchen uniform.

I don't know what's happened, and I don't want to know, but whatever it is makes my stomach feel like it's plunged.

"Oh, it's you! See, I told you I went through a time warp!" The ringmaster again, beaming with a smile as he looked at me. I knew he was trouble the first time I met him.

"OK, do you know what the fuck this is?"

"No. Actually, I may do. This might have something to do with that time I wished upon a star..."

His voice was something I couldn't bear in a situation like this, so I immediately punched him right in the face, as well as that lizard who just came up behind him.

A one eyed lizard in a purple dress. It didn't weird me out as much as I thought it would. "What the?" she growled in a slight Norwegian accent, "Oh, wonderful. A _deer_."

Supposing violence isn't really going to work here, I decided to talk to her, in hopes of gaining answers. "What?"

"Deers remind me of...well...I don't want to talk about it."

"Then don't. Tell me what the hell's going on!"

"I would, but I don't know either."

"Well, at least we have something in common. Maybe we'll get along somehow."

"I doubt it."

"Oh, _man_!" said the ringmaster.

"What?" I and the lizard said in unison.

"I finally get to live in a house with two girls that fight and this is what I end up with."

"Well, you get what you paid for," was what I said to him, before the lizard grabbed him by the bowtie.

"I may be stuck in a strange world," she said to Bruzzini, "but I'm not going to let that get in the way of my plans. And you look like...henchman material."

"I was just thinking the same thing," I added, as I can't imagine a more fitting job for that geek than being cannon fodder.

"Quiet!" barked the lizard as she took the ringmaster elsewhere. All I could do was sit on a couch and wonder. Should I get the hell out of this house and find my way back home? Or should I stay and see what it has to offer? Maybe I should see what the lizard and Bruzzini were up to? The fact that the lizard announced a plan didn't frighten me in the least though; I could tell what she was like just from the first few seconds of meeting her, and was certain that whatever she had planned would not under any circumstances work. Also, I couldn't help but feel that I was meant to be in this house, so that plus my tired body made me stay in that couch.

It was about an hour when I heard a strange voice. "Oh, hello, Claudia!" Zippy sat in a chair right beside me, looking abnormally cheerful.

"Zippy!"

"Yes, it's me, Zippy!"

"What happened? Are you okay?"

"Oh yes, I'm okay! I got out of that shark's clutches _easily_! No-one can catch Zippy! Ha ha ha!"

"I bloody well wish they would...wait, shark?"

"_Yes, shark_." The shadowy man I met on New Year's Eve materialised right in front of me. "_If you had listened to me, I would have told him about you._"

"Well, if you look like that, it's a wonder _anyone_ listens to you."

"_Fine then._" In seconds, he changes his face to a more human one. "_How's this?"_

"Um, having weird powers like that gives me even less reason to listen to you." With this, I started to leave.

"_You are aware I did rescue Zippy from certain doom_."

"And that gives me even less reason!" I yelled while walking out of the front door.

Pale white houses floating in an abyss.

As I could only stare at this strange sight, the man appeared, as a shadow again. "_How about if I tell you just what the frickin hell's going on?_"

"Look, I know you're working for Zordrak..."

"_No, I don't like him_."

Did I have a choice? "Okay then, mister..."

"_I have many names, but you can call me...Mark._"

"Okay then."

"_This is Otherworld, a world created to house people's thoughts, dreams and imaginings._"

"Even mine?"

"_In a way, yes, even though you're a thought yourself._"

"What?"

"_You are a shade, a little memory of somebody watching TV. In fact, the world where you came from is made up of those shades. Just about everyone you've ever met was a character in some show a guy watched at some point in his life._" So, I and all my friends, were born because a guy watched TV. Another unsettling thought I don't want to dwell on. "_You were a minor shade, made from a show watched long ago and sparsely viewed and thought upon. You were displeased with this so you tried to find ways of making yourself more prominent, by reinventing yourself._"

"I don't know what you're on about."

"_You were unsatisfied with just being a happy restaurant owner, so you created a new history for yourself, several in fact. In one, you were an evil genius, but after that didn't work out, you made a new one which set you in that dingy apartment. In fact, the world you lived in was more or less your creation, reinventing other memories along with you. You made Marlon a bartender. To keep things from being boring, you gave Zordrak his power._"

"But Zordrak said he..."

"_He was lying! He was just trying to get you to fear him! You created your world and he had no hand in changing it!_"

Abe immediately came into my head. "So it's my fault..."

"_No, it was Dark Side's_."

"This is not the time for Star Wars references!"

"_No, Dark Side was the one causing mindless chaos in that world!_"

"Why?"

"_I said 'mindless'. He did it for no real reason, other than he thought breaking apart a happy marriage would be funny._"

"Well, isn't he a motherfucker," I replied, trying to contain my anger.

"_You should thank me for saving you from him._"

"Maybe I didn't want to be saved. At least there's nothing confusing about being a rotting corpse."

"_You have potential._"

"Are you coming on to me?"

"_No. There is an upcoming war and I think you'll be perfect. I've been testing you, you know." _

"Oh really."

"_Yes, I created that Wonderland you tramped through. I ensured Zordrak stayed powerful. From those incidents, I saw your true potential, which needs to grow, and can only grow if you fight with me._ _Plus, if you help me win, I could save your friends._"

"Forget it. If you think I'm allying myself with some shadowy thing to fight in a war, you're...well, a twat."

"_If you don't want to join me, that's your loss. But I'm afraid you're stuck here, and action is required on your part if you want to save the world you created. You got yourself into this mess, now you have to get yourself out. I'll leave you for now, but I'll be back._"

In a second, he disappeared, leaving me to lie down on my couch again. Thankfully, Zippy had vanished too but that gave me no true relief as now I had to wonder how to approach this new situation. On top of the troubling thoughts I had accumulated in that city, there's now the thought that I'm just a thought and I corrupted my own world and Tricky and Zippy got kidnapped because of me and Marlon's pub burned down because of me and Abe and Tom died because of me and...too many thoughts.

Wear a smile on your face. Be happy with what you've got.

Maybe that's what I should be thinking.


End file.
